my eldest daughter's birthday

I was planning to write about my daughters birthday in the lead up to the day, but could not write on this page for some reason..

anyway, her birthday was on Friday and she was very happily celebrating it with friends and siblings, so she had a happy day..

When I was expecting her, I had terrible kidney failure, and was rushed off to hospital in a serious condition.

My young husband had started his job that morning and I felt very unwell. I then filled a washing up bowl with blood and had to call the doctor. He cam immediately and said I had to go to hospital. I did not want him to alert my husband at his new job, I was so worried about his reaction if he had to leave to attend to me.
The doctor rang around to see who could look after my eldest child, Daniel who was 16 months old. A foster parent was found over a hundred miles away, but thankfully the lady next door came to my rescue. She had a disabled son so was at home all day..

 Thank goodness Daniel could be looked after daily whilst I was in hospital. I was 7 months pregnant and for a while they discussed making me deliver, but after complete bed rest for several days where I was so weak and fading in and out of consciousness I was finally allowed to go home..

When I was rushed off to hospital, my poor husband had come home and read the note, so turned up to see me, and learned of the arrangement with next door. Thank goodness for that dear neighbour, whom I had not met before, but she cared for my Daniel all the time I was in hospital. Eventually I came home, so weak I could not even lift my little boy and that neighbour continued to look after him. Each day before work, he would carry h is bag with his nappies in and go next door... not a squeak or tantrum from him, he was such an angel.

 Rebecca decided to wait 2 more weeks from the end of the pregnancy and so I had to into the hospital to be induced.
It was a strange experience having the bag of waters broke.. when they did it, they held up a dark hair and said baby had lots of hair..
A mere 4 hours later I was meeting her for the very first time. It was such a rapid push out that her eyes remained closed for almost a week and he little fists were clenched too..

 After all the travails, I was so happy to have a daughter this time..

We named her Rebecca Louise.. and from that day to this she has always been such a wonderful person. She now has three children of her own, almost grown up, and we share a lot of special moments together.

On the 12th of July I remember how much I love her and what a thrill it was to meet her for the very first time.


Another amazing co incidence is that my brother's daughter Capucine, was born on the same day but 12 years later, so we ring each other up to congratulate each other on the births of our daughters**

I cannot write any longer , as its blocking me-going to join google I th ink

yet another birthday to celebrate!! I cannot get to write for some reason, will be back later....

anxiety and baby blues

How to deal with anxiety is not easy or dealt with in one fell swoop.. It was after I had my fifth child that I was so overcome with the hardness of my life, of my young husband being so much under pressure that he drank too much, that we never had enough money to go round.. It hit me about three weeks after my last child was born. Everything felt too much. I would walk into the shops, knowing what I had to buy, but the counters in their shiningness seemed to hover above the ground, and the noise from all the people were just so much that I would dissolve into tears and rush away home again.
 I tried to keep it from my husband, and would appear strong as I saw him off to work, then it would somehow all overwhelm me and I would be reduced to a puddle again. As soon as the time got near for his homecoming, I would wipe my eyes and concentrate on getting the meal ready for us all. Of course I did go to the doctors and was given tablets that made me sleep heavily. so after one usage, I put them away, and I never ever found them again.. my subconscious had hidden them away.. We lived in that house for another two years, but they were lost for good..
 So I had to cope without them.
Each day was a blur of tiredness and sadness, I could not shake this feeling of gloom that I felt surrounded me,  It was only my friend Carol that told Sean that I was in a very bad place emotionally and was crying all day when he was at work. Of course , there was nothing he could do but wait with me until the feeling lifted and I could face the day without fear. Having five children and the last two being 18 months apart, of course it was quite a lot to handle and cope with---.
 I did do it, and no one of the children has ever mentioned how they thought, when I was going through those rough moments.

I am talking about this, because it is a real event that happens to many people and it dogs their whole life. I am so fortunate that the black dog visits me rarely now. I think at the time with all my hormones flashing all over the place, it could have contributed to the terrible feelings I had.

 There was another time before I got married, when my brother and my parents and myself had returned from France to live in England, and we had no home to come back to.
I had got a job quickly enough and so had my brother, and my parents, but for a while we lived in rented places, once having to share a house with two other men. I remember looking at the people on the Tube when I was travelling back and forth to work.. thinking that they all had homes to go to and how awful it was to be actually homeless, although we did have rooms to rent..
Rooms which incidentally were so cold in the winter that we had to keep all our clothes on under the bedclothes! It wasn't a long time like this, but I do remember feeling despair..

Despite my medical condition which has resulted from two awful operations on my spine, I have not plummeted to the depths that I felt then for which I am so grateful... Yes I get fed up, but tomorrow is always another day..

This evening I have just put the phone down after talking to a very dear friend who is finally home after many months in hospital having a nervous break down. This person has tried to be so strong for so long despite the way that life had treated her.
She was married for over 25 years when her husband decided to start a campaign of hate against her, and made her two sons follow his nastiness. For five years they lived in the same house, not speaking to her.. totally ignoring her, and then when he found another partner, he moved out and their sons went with him.

They were in their early teens, so its hard to say why, but it left her all alone and destroyed. Luckily she did have  faith which helped her survive those awful days, but finally it all catches up with you, and she is now recovering from a second nervous breakdown.. speaking to her on the phone, she is slow to answer, all her vitality knocked out of her, and I know that the drugs must be useful, but it is so pitiful to hear her speak.

I cannot imagine why life has dealt her this blow, but all she can do is take each day like us all, one day at a time

The strangest thing is that trying to take one day at a time, is much harder than you think.... its easily said.. but your brain is programmed over the years, to anticipate actions that might happen and for which you have to have a knowledge of how to deal with it, that each day you have various tasks to perform, but if you do try and take it one at a time, then some days you might do nothing but look at the sky, despite all the other duties you might have to do..Baby blues do go, even if it does take a while and life looks so hard.. but like the man once said...
 who? I don't know...- something like -----

in ten years time, or even one, today will have passed and all the trouble in it, will have gone too,
 and no one but you might care..

It was my birthday last friday.!!

It was my birthday last Friday, May 24th, and what a miserable day it turned out to be, weather wise that is!

I got up late and went out to do my rounds of the charity shops to see if there were any bargains.. nothing that day... then I came  home, and got all dressed up for a lunch at the posh restaurant which is just across the road from us.  We didn't have to book a place, but it was still very busy indeed and a whole party of ladies were sitting at the top table having great fun nattering all together.

John and I sat and were waited on by a charming young girl.. I had a super lunch and it was quickly delivered and the taste was great too. We were so full up afterwards that we had no space for puddings or coffee to finish the meal. We paid and made our way home, which took all of three minutes!

it was a cold and rainy day , and as grey as nasty outside, but I was very happy with the gifts I had been given and the cards that everyone had sent. I knew that there would be other messages, but on face book, and since the day before, the computer had been down.. so no interaction with the web.

Some people are happy that they do not have to rush to click on line, but me, I miss it like crazy... The odd thing is, that it was all supposed to be so different.
I was  having a mobile upgrade to another company that was part of the group where I had the mobile from originally. So, I received the upgrade, a Blackberry Z10, and then because it was so difficult to get to work, went to the shop and got the sales people there to make it work.. then they suggested that I move providers over to them, and I would be having a hassle free transfer, money back scheme, and much lower bills all round...
 Ha, well that will have to be looked at later when I get the bills...

 Because even though they have me down as being connected from May 17th, and sent me a router to work it, my current account at the previous provider, only cut me off on May 23rd, just the day before my birthday.. so that will be an interesting situation when it gets to discussing... anyway, the land line was stopped as well, so an engineer was booked to come to my house on the Tuesday following..

which she did, a girl, that managed to complete everything fast and was so pleasant too... but did my broadband work immediately... no it did not... this was then the start of many hours calling on my mobile to see what could be done to connect me with the Internet... and this took until late yesterday evening...

 then today I had a remote server help me get the emails all up and running.. but I have been left without being able to use flash or other downloads, because in order to download them I have to get rid of my security instructions which leaves me open to all the nasty virus in the universe...

so here I am still, not very happy with my new provider, and very very annoyed at all the running around on the phone I have had to do... we shall hear more of this I am sure..

So, Friday was my birthday and a whole new year starts... I shall ignore all the fuss about the broadband or mobile phone and say, I am so ready for a change... I hope this year will be better than last and I will make every effort to make it so.. Don't laugh, I really am going to try and make this year different and next year, I will be able to tell you out in blogland, just how much I managed to keep to my plan!

The right to decide?

I am not going to develop this idea into a long monologue of ideas and thoughts, just to note down, and state that 24  hours ago, I was asked, by someone close to me, that if they wanted to decide to die, would I help them..

I sat  back and thought very deeply about this question. A question that is not asked in the cold light of day usually,but being asked to say whether I would assist because that someone's suffering  they cannot bear to go on for a moment longer..

So this question was hyperthetical..[ I think that is the word.]. .....an ask, that required an answer that the person asking could depend on it happening, should the time come.

I do believe that we are all put on this earth to achieve something, that sometimes life decides a different road, but mainly that we are here to reproduce ourselves and continue the immortality that we feel we are entitled to.

That taking a life is such a terrible and worrying thing to do...

However, when we see an animal is in deep distress through old age or accident, we  do reserve the right to assist them in their journey out of this life however upsetting that might be, and it can be absolutely awful to lose a domestic animal that you have grown to love..

When I see older people suffering with Parkinson's, or Dementia or MS or any other awful illness that will make them die in a horrible way.. I ask myself what right do we have to make them live on until they are totally worn out and die naturally, instead of helping them achieve a peaceful and dignified exit of this world?  To be just sitting in a chair, or lying in a bed shaking with illness, or crying out loud because you have lost words, or weeping because you cannot remember anything.. how is it right to be just waiting for death to come and claim us..

Approaching old age very fast, these thoughts are more and more on my mind. There have been several cases taken to the High Court in London, where the patient asks for the right to decide when they die, and that if their family or carer assisted them, they would not be punished...

 Up to now, the courts have decided to deny these people their rights to die in a manner of their own choosing.. How is this democracy, if that person has the deepest right taken away from them>?

Of course it is true that every case is individual, but I'm sure that anyone in a dire situation, that has no quality of life, that is screaming inside for it all to end, that their bodies a shell and not able to move,  do have the right to decide their own exit.


I would not be able to find it easy to make a decision to assist anyone who asked me to aid them in committing suicide, but I would find it also very hard, not to agree to their wishes, and if this meant that the Law would choose to punish me, I think I would stand firm on my rights as an individual to help a fellow human achieve a peaceful and dignified way to die...

What about all my blog fellows out there, do you think we should reserve the right to help another person take control and decide when they wish to leave this life?

It is a very deep question, but maybe after you have examined your conscience you will find as I did, that helping someone to retain their dignity and human characteristics,might overrule what the law of the country actually allows at the moment..

Of course I trust that I will never be placed in that situation, but I rather surprised myself in hearing myself agree to aid if the situation warranted it..

I hate pubs.

In England there are many Pubs, or Public Houses that are closed every week because of recession and people just not going to the pubs frequently like they did in previous years.

The reason is of course, you can buy all the booze you wish to in the supermarkets and then sit and watch tv or films in your own home.- which indeed might be a worse scenario... but  this is my reason.....

When I was growing up, my parents gave frequent parties and had a lot of fun, but I never ever saw a drunk person in all the years I was growing up.. There would always be drinks in the cocktail cabinet for people who came to dinner or parties and not once did I have to deal with anyone drunk. I never realised it at the time, but of course in the other world, people had terrible tales about the drink and how they had to live with the aftermath.
As I said, I never knew what it was like when someone liked drink more than he liked you or the family he created with you. Knowing how hard his life had been with a dad that drank too much, I would have expected him to be more aware... but of course he was not. His mother had got him and his siblings to sign 'the pledge' which of course, as soon as he was adult enough, he broke time and time again.

I ran away to live with him in London when there was a train strike going on. I told my parents that as my job was in London I had to stay up there with friends during the strike. I am sure that they didn't really believe me, but I went anyway and completely cut off  communication with them. I was being so happy and loved up, it never occurred to me that I was causing them heartbreak and trouble and worry..

However, despite all my loved up feelings, I began to dread each day after work. I would meet him and we would go to a pub which he had chosen and where he would meet up with his friends and their girlfriends. The girls chatted away and smiled and laughed at their jokes.. as the bars became crowded and noisy and the smoke from cigarettes made your eyes water.. he would keep going up to the bar with his friends, bringing back drinks whilst I drank Ginger Beer and Lime cordial all evening.. each time it would be such a time waster... I would sit and try and be happy whilst all the time, keeping an eye on the clock to see how many more drinks he would have before the bell rang for last orders.... time took a long time going in those days.. it seemed so long and I was so bored with all of the noise and the chatter and the silly silly discussions that got worse by the hour.. when the bell finally rang.. they would be up and rush to the bar for the last bl....... drink which sometimes was two at a time...

You might ask where did all the money come from, as he was a student at London University and had a tiny grant.. His mother was very generous to him sending him money. and I was working at a secretarial job which paid a small salary.. we never had money for luxuries, like paying the rent, and looking back I can see why.... most of it went on booze and food.. Nowadays pubs are allowed opening times for all hours, but they have cut the cigarette smoking out, so its much easier to breath there.. but the drinks are still available for all if you have the money that is... its much more expensive for going out for a couple who meet up with friends..

The reason I hate pubs, is that it took hours until last orders, and god only knew how many drinks could be drunk in the time between 6pm and 11pm. and then getting a man/boy home in such a wobbly condition on the trains and tubes, was no picnic.. I hated the stupidity of it all, the waste of time and energy trying to be a good supportive girlfriend to him..

They say that all the signs that will break a marriage are also there in the early days, you just choose to avoid them.. hope that this is just a phase and it will all work out.. but the signs are there and if you choose to ignore them, then the price later on is so much higher than if you had just said.. 'enough, I do not enjoy this, so we should decide whether our relationship is worth all those drinks'...

Of course I did no such thing.. I smiled and loved and laughed too because it was not all bad, but  it took me 23 years to stop being married to someone I loved so deeply and hard, and yet, as my young son said on the night before I got married for the second time..' I know dad loves us, but he threw us away for a bottle didn't he'? Those are hard words, but so true..

Like all good ideas, going to the pub, in moderation, can be a pleasant way to waste a few hours in congenial chat and laughs, but when it creeps up on you and you go every evening, its no longer a nice thing to do.. instead of a servant the drink becomes the master and nothing is ever the same again..

I have been thinking this through this evening, as there was a review on the radio of a play in London set in a public bar, and where the actors tell stories and have a lot of fun whilst they are all drinking... [this scenario is one that Publicans would have believe that its why they are in business, offering a good time for all..].
what they do not think about is when that person enjoying all the conviviality and drinks, how he is when he comes home, and how the family listen silently in fear as he starts to discuss something with the wife, that then gets to frustration as she seems not to be listening and then the noise grows louder and louder whilst he is trying to get her to understand what he is saying.. and the whole caboodle comes to a crashing halt... it might be that he has been calmed enough to sit down and has then fallen asleep, or worse he has started to attack his wife.. whilst the kids hear everything upstairs and lie frightened in the dark.. when it is all quiet, then they relax as they hear mother coming upstairs to bed..

Pubs sell booze and booze is evil when it is allowed to master the person drinking.. This is why I hate pubs and all the money in china would not make me change my mind.. I do use them to meet friends, but I have never been comfortable in them, ever since those days in the mid 1960's when I should have been reading all the signs and decided myself if I wanted to live a life with another person plus their weakness..
But then, if I had listened to  me, I would never have had my five wonderful children and now their lovely children... but I do think how it all went wrong and I do regret that.