fatalistic

When I got the letter to go and see the Breast Unit at the Hospital, I smiled ruefully and thought, what does that mean?? I had never been asked to go again before, and my last mammo was clear when it was done three years ago. I had no symptoms, and really didn't feel unusual, so what was the point I said to myself.. However it was an early morning start which I like because then my day seems longer and I can get more done. So at 9 am I was there at the outside unit in a very large van thing. The actual process this time was very easy and quite painless... sometimes the women moving your boob around can be quite rough and ready, but this one was not, and I told her so, before I left. Thinking no more about it, I was shocked to get the letter saying I had to return.. no matter that it also said, only one in ten has got anything wrong, that I was not to worry etc etc etc. My way of dealing with worry is usually to put it at the back of my mind to deal with later.. then I can deal with it, when it is urgent. I had had a shock a couple of weeks earlier when my son told me his marriage was over and he was moving out. Whether that shock made me ill I don't know, but I quickly came down with Shingles and so I had to delay going back to the Breast Unit. Three weeks later I was able to attend the clinic. When I came into the room having covered myself with a dressing gown after disrobing.. I was shown the exray of my left breast and could see the clusters of tiny white spots under the nipple . There were quite a few of them, so they took more pictures, and then a scan and then came back to inject me with a numbing medicine so they could take the samples for the lab to see if they were bad cells. My next appointment was the following week when my husband insisted on coming with me. He was in total shock when the surgeon said it was pre cancerous and they needed to operate to be safe. I was in a funny place, knowing that I had the choice to leave any operation and wait for them to escape if, indeed they were going to.. or have the operation. My husband would have said no operation if they are not bad cells.. and might never escape, but I thought it better to have a lumpectomy.. Since that day I have read and read articles on the operation procedures and printed some of them out.. looking for side affects that might happen... all of which leads me to believe that from being on the back burner, my ideas and thoughts and fears are starting to travel to the front of my brain, where I will have to deal with them.. I still feel in a fatalistic mood, knowing that I will have the op, but so unsure of what happens afterwards when I have the radiotherapy and how it will affect me and my life for a while. We had planned to have a luncheon party to celebrate our 25th anniversary, but it would have been held in September, and with all the things I had to get done with my health, it would be left totally for John to get the house ready and the garden and he always operates best when I am helping too.. If I am out of action, he will not feel like doing much without me. Sp we have put our anniversary party to one side, he will be also turning 70 in January, and the plan is now to celebrate our birthdays and the anniversary later in the year, maybe in springtime.. I know it makes sense, but agreeing to postpone has just made me aware of how vulnerable I might be after doing the operation and radiotherapy.. I am still in a state of 'laissez faire' but really not happy knowing how it might affect me to the point of writing off the whole of July whilst I recover. LIfe happens whether you want it to, or not, so I am going to go with the flow and try and stop feeling this way. If it makes me tired, then I must be patient, which I do find hard to do, and if it doesnt affect me too much I will not be too depressed at having cancelled our celebrations. I feel in a state where time is working forwards and I am drifting towards this operation , and I feel disconnected in a way from the operation and all the following things like radiotherapy.. now that we have cancelled the party, it is acknowledging that I might be quite poorly afterwards and I hate being ill for any length of time** I guess my disconnect is how I am dealing with whatever fear I am feeling. Everyone has gone quiet when I have mentioned the lumpectomy, as if it truly is awful...hopefully they will be proved wrong, I wont lose my energy too much and I wont miss the whole of July in recovery... Wish me luck hey?