Friday, 7 February 2014

Here we go

I just love reading other blogs, seeing what other people do in the rest of the world.. its very very easy to believe that no one out there is interested in anything you think or write down, and that is possibly why I have not written for quite a long time.. In the beginning of my writing I found I had things to write about every day, and it went along so well, chatting as you do, then I ran out of things that I would be interested in writing about.. So that is my excuse for the gap in between blogs. It is now well into February and at last we can relax. We had a lovely quiet Christmas but as my husband is an Accountant with his own firm and several partners, the end of the year is always always so busy getting the client accounts in before the Tax deadline, so its only in Feb when we feel we can really start to appreciate a New Year. You might have noticed that here in the Uk we have been having some awful weather which is seemingly starting to make a pattern as we have had other awful windy wet winters just recently.. So there are all those poor people fleeing their flooded houses, the Ministers have kept quiet about all the work that should have been done in order to prevent such catastrophies happening. Yes there is the point that the houses should not have been built on land that was historically flood plains, but I cannot ever remember in any house purchases over the years, being asked, or told about such flood plains.. wejust bought the houses and got on with living.. Nowadays these questions are asked, but they never were before.. I know too that we are not the only country having freak winter weather.. what about all that ice and snow in America? They are used to snowy winters of course, but not to such a degree they have been getting, and its getting to be quite scary if you think that this is going to be the pattern of winter from now on!! It does seem to go in cycles and we have to plan it better for our kids to manage. It seems the Gulf Stream is changing its direction and even if its only slightly to the left or right, the effect is as I said before, catastrophic! Not much we can do about that.. They go on about Global Warming and all the things we can do to make it better... it is my view that its too late, what is going to happen will happen, whether its in this decade or the next century, we are all on course for something major to appear. We had the Industrial Revolution that started all the pollution and its where China and India are at at the moment.. but what about the space ships and shuttles to outer space, or the big satallites... didnt they do something to the Ozone layer on their way out of the Earth's atmosphere? All these questions would drive anyone mad trying to think how to deal with it.. the best thing is to keep your head down and do as best you can in your little corner of the world! Apart from worrying about Global warming and Gulf Streams, I have had a lot of pondering going on. Just in the last month, I attended two funerals of friends of mine who were only a few, very few years older than me.. very thought provoking as both of them had been such fit and active men who really were non stoppable and always doing and making things happen.. then out of the blue, heart attacks for one, and cancer for the other.. woa... what happens next. When I used to think about getting old, I would imagine I'd have a few wrinkles, maybe a bit larger in the beam, that my outline and energy levels would be almost the same, just a little slowing down in fact.. I never thought it would mean hip and knee replacements before I had the spinal ops that made everything just a whole lot worse.. never thought that each day would mean several pills in the morning when I got up and when I went to bed.. that getting out of bed so stiffly that it is my first action to get rid of it before the day begins! BUT.. the very hardest thing I have found to deal with , is being RETIRED.. I just Hate it** I have been sitting around trying to think of something that would be worth while to do and also create a revenue stream, because pensions are not so hot when you actually receive them... All those amounts that you were told you would get after steadily saving year in and year out, are actually worth only possibly half of what was estimated... so thats a bind straight off... not much money to go travelling around.. just enough to supplement the government pension and thats a pittance too.... Boy have I turned into a real grouch here, but getting it off my chest and I will be able to be light and carefree again.. ha ha... I am really fortunate though that I have a very optimistic nature and after a bit of a sit down, can manage to get up and carry on without that awful black dog of depression. I have friends who suffer so badly from it, and nothing seems to help.. tablets from the doctors worry them as they read all the paperwork and the possible affects and then don't take them, so they are still anxious and feeling awful and there doesn't seem to be much out there to help. Of course I do have days when the black dog comes calling, luckily in my life , about 3 times, when I cannot raise any hope to feel good and strong and energetic in myself to cope.. A few years back I had a panic attack just as I was going to sleep.. All of a sudden I was gripped by the feeling that I was going to die, that I could not breathe and I just did not know what hit me** I had the thought that I needed a doctor to see me.. as this was way passed midnight, my husband said, just try to sleep and it will get better... but then I started to walk the hall upstairs, one side of my brain saying you are not going to die, you are walking and talking... but the other side was utterly convinced that I would not live through the night... as my husband didnt want to call the ambulance, I did it myself, speaking to the lady and telling her I was in such a state, but she calmly spoke and got the address and then few minutes later the paramedics were in my house.. of course once they were there I did calm down, but they took me to hospital to be sure and checked out.. From this happening, I know that when the brain decides to go into overdrive and give panic attacks, or anxiety attacks or deep depression, there is not much you can do to help yourself... certainly it doesn't work by giving yourself a good shake and tell yourself to buck up your ideas- then all will be well***...well it will not! I still have strange days when I feel odd,but if I can distract myself I manage to move on past. I believe that because I internalise my worries and fears, one day that door broke down and I was swept over with the feelings of panic..It is the oddest thing, because you know that there is so much good things going for you, but it doesn't matter, your anxiety takes over and you just have to ride it through.. When the paramedics asked me that night if I had had anything extra to worry about...trying to find a reason for the attack... I realised that I had kept a lid on things for over 40 years and never let anyone truly know what I was thinking or how I coped with working, having five children and a husband I loved but who was killing the marriage with his drinking.. 40 years of stress and keeping smiling, did me in that night, and in a way it did help get rid of a lot of worries that I had carried subconciously all those years. the other day I noticed that a few of my friends and their children always seem to be on the point of tears.. emotions too near the surface.. and I wondered.. whether it had anything to do with our modern world? that they are over whelmed with all the information and electrical connections that we now accept as our way of life? For instance we see people all over, not just walking around, but on their phone all the time, playing games, talking to friends, watching films, playing music, apps etc etc etc its an electrical overload.. and its getting worse all the time!! On Sunday last, I read an article about a little boy of three years old, who was addicted to playing on his dad's Ipad... this child woke him up at 4am to demand his dad get it for him straight away.. of course he was persuaded to go back to bed... and later when the writer got up for breakfast, he found his child had searched the rooms and found the IPad and was busily playing with it* He had to deal with a major scene when he took away the tablet, and did not let him have again for several days during which time he rediscovered his toys and how to play with them.. We are all suffering overload and I am sure that this does not help us deal with the world any better. The amount of information we receive on a daily basis, is more than Michael Angelo or Leonardo da Vinci recieved in all their lifetimes and we get it daily!!! The best thing to do is to allow children only short bursts of time on these gadgets, but as they do keep them quiet,more and more they are being used as baby minders... ah well, won't go there, thats a whole new subject.. So now I have finished my ranting.. I hope that our other bloggers recover from all that terrible wet trouble.. though only God know how, and that all the lovely people in blogland dont have too much damage from the storms and snow and ice.. I do hope that the next week will be alot better for each and every one of us..


  1. I for one am sure glad to read your post, to have you back!
    Right you are on so many points. Here in California we are suffering from a severe drought. Not boding well. fears of a bad fire season.
    But yes, chin up, carry on, find the "treasures" in each day and be kind, be kind, be kind to each other :-)

  2. Yes, it's so nice to read you again, Janzi.
    Life does get more and more complicated everyday. It is not the world we grew up in and sometimes I think of my grandparents and how they would just be shocked to see what the world is now.

    But I do see, over and over again, that for a lot of us life seems to get distilled down to the essential, the truly meaningful, kindness, compassion, empathy. Perhaps this is one of the side effects of this overly technological and unsteady world that has been thrust upon us. We humans always seem to find something good in the middle of chaos - at least those of us who are paying attention :)

  3. Yes, that black dog is so nasty and mean. Add some alcoholism and health problems and it makes it very hard to get up each morning.

    I am gald you posted! :-)

  4. I'm glad to see you posted too!!

    The world is a crazy place. It seems like the more ways we have to keep in touch, the less connected we actually are and I think that is why people suffer so much with depression and anxiety. People don't take the time to just be still and be silent. It's crazy.

    A trend here in retirement is to sell their homes and rent a small apartment and travel and do things with the equity you have built up. Of course, if you live to be 90, you could be shooting yourself in the foot. :)

    So glad you posted!

  5. You have been away too.. it is good to come to my blog and find you have done the same...
    I was in Canada this New year and it had crazy weather as well and went to 30 below zero and had an ice storm... something Toronto has not experienced in 30 years or so? crazy...Jordan had a freak snow storm as well which killed so many people... Syrian, Iraqi and Palestinian refugees mostly...poor soles... and my heart goes out to the people whose houses are flooded in England...
    I hope you are keeping safe.