Wednesday, 28 March 2012

A super sunny day in March

It was gorgeous weather today, even hot under the sun, so everyone was wearing summer clothes and it felt good.. I had been to the library to pick up some more books to read, and was driving home when I happened to see a young mother walking briskly down the road with her young baby in a pushchair.. She was slim, with shiny black hair and walking so fast with a perfect bounce to her walk.. She seemed to be the very picture of youth and fertility with her baby to prove it. She was smiling as she spoke to him -he was dressed in blue so I am guessing it was a boy- He sat all round babyfaced listening and smiling too.. he might not have known what her words said, but he knew by the sounds that she was loving him and sharing her thoughts. 

I loved seeing them and reflected how I had felt when it had been my turn to push the pushchair when one of mine was that young.  When pregnant with the last baby I had, I remember thinking as I pushed his brother in his pushchair, 'this time next month we shall know what we have and who will be joining this family.. and this time next year, Chris will be walking and I shall have another baby in this pushchair.'.  Reading my diaries from those years, I am amazed at how much I had to do and complete in order to keep the family of five children smoothly running.. I often collapsed at the end of the day totally wrecked... in my diary I thought I was being stupid to feel so tired, but looking back it was no wonder!!

It is the role of all mothers to try and be impossibly perfect in all ways, bringing up the kids, feeding, cooking, washing, looking and loving husbands, attending school meetings and making time to see friends and family.. What a huge amount of stress goes into all of it, and yet we did it! 

 Sometimes my kids will chat amongst themselves about what I  did or said during those days.. events of which I have not the slightest recollection, but which for some reason impacted on them and they remembered clearly.. Really weird knowing that what you did then had such an impression on them..

 Being a parent was something I always wanted to be, and never thought for one second, how to afford them, what committment it required, how it was all going to work.. Somehow it did and we all grew up together. Having both boys and girls I tried to bring them up exactly the same, as I always believed my parents were more indulgent to my brother and that girls should have the same opportunities.. This worked well and they all achieved good jobs, in fact my girls earning more than their husbands as their careers developed..

However being a parent was such a minefield, I do not know how we all survived it.. Seeing that young girl with her baby walking along the street made me think how lucky she was with all of their lives in front of them, and the energy to get whatever they wanted out of life.. She was happy, and in seeing her I was happy too, on this beautiful sunny day in March

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Being a teenager is hard work too!!

My mother always told me that when I got to be 12 I would  change. Now, I am sure she was trying to hint about puberty and didn't know how to approach it, but I thought it was a physical change that would happen and eagerly waited to see how I was going to turn out** I started menstruation which was different and caused me some water infections that kept me off school, but my shape was the same, and my eyes too and my hair didn't change colour so I was lost in trying to see what was going to happen..

 My father often had french students staying over and my brother Chris and I  took them out and about the town showing them around during the daytime.. One set of boys wanted to play tennis, so I decided that I would also get dressed in white tennis clothes and take them to the tennis courts. I felt my chest was too flat, so borrowed a bra from my mother's wardrobe, and stuffed it with nylon stockings I found, also my mothers.. The trouble was, that at that time the shape of a brassiere was conical.. very fashionable, but not the right shape for me, but I put i n the stockings and filled out the bra and off I went to meet the boys to take them to tennis.  I cannot imagine what they would have thought seeing me turn up with this shape in front, but they didn't say anything just looked askance at each other.. We got a court, and I helped by getting the tennis balls as they spun all over the place.. bit like those kids do at Wimbledon..

It was a hot July day and very soon my ladylike disposition was very vexed with all the jumping around I was doing in getting the ball back into play. I also found my new bra was being difficult and uncomfortable and very hot, so, in front of everyone, I pulled out the stockings and put them in my pocket and carried on!  I do know that that caused some funny remarks between the fellows, but I was so hot I didn't care!

When I became a teenager, I had all sorts of strange feelings inside.. also as my hair grew in parts of my body, it felt like my skins was burning all the time and was most uncomfortable. I also had a lot of leg pains, which the doctors all explained away as ' growing pains.. hm mm

 Blushing became the bane of my life.. I couldn't talk to anyone without getting serious blushing all over my face and front. It was mortifying and soul destroying and I couldn't control it.. Also the giggling that seemed to come out of no where and affect anything I said.. I had no idea why I was making these stupid sounds and had no control over that either! 

My mood swings became really awful and how my parents coped I cannot imagine as looking back, I was really appalling in the early days.. As I have mentioned before I decided to row with my mother in an Italian Accent, have no idea why, but it sounded good to my ears!! I just didn't want to agree to anything, and she used to say to me' one day you will regret all these tantrums and how you were to me, when I am no longer here'- how right she was- many many times I have regretted how I made her feel during an outburst, so she was very right about that.  She worked full time, and  I did nothing around the house.. just slobbed around as did my brother, and as for helping her when she got home tired and at the end of a long day serving in a shop.. we would just let her get on with it.. even once to my shame I said it was her job to clear up not mine! How I regret those words.. and I know she knew it, because as I became an adult, I told her how much I regretted my behaviour back then...

Her patience was enormous, she had the patience of a saint.. she must have said a lot of prayers at night to cope because I know she needed it! I know that I was a terrible teenager and most ungrateful and argumentative too.. but she somehow saw through all that and just waited until my hormones were back to normal and I was a human again... took a couple of years, but we came through it..

What a woman, my mother was, tiny only 4 ft 11 and half,inches tall, size 6 with size 2 shoes but  she filled the room and once you met her you never forgot Rosina!  Especially her voice.

 She had an operatic voice sounded like Maria Callas and was going to be contracted to the BBC just after the war, but that meant my brother and I would have had to go to Boarding School so she turned down the opportunity to make a name on the big stage.. She had belonged to Ensa during the war, and entertained the troops all over England,but she didnt want us to be boarded, so that was that.. instead she found jobs selling coats and dresses in Fashion shops.

Me being a teeneager certainly never helped her relax and put her feet up..

When I was 16 and starting to go out with friends to dances and youth clubs, my dad would always pick me up afterwards.. Was I grateful?? Of course not, it was so boring to go home with your dad, much more fun sitting on a bus with the other friends as you went home.. I didn't appreciate the hours spent waiting for my return and him going to drive out late to sit and wait for his daughter to drive home.. I never acutally told him how much as an adult I knew his sacrifice, and now its too late, but our relationship was always loving and kind no matter how stupid and awkward I was with them.. Being a teenager is hard work, but being a parent, especially my parent.. was much much harder, for which I am eternally grateful![AND they deserved a medal!]

Monday, 19 March 2012

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day in England. After a short heavy downpour, the sun came out and wiped all the grass raindrops away leaving the grass as freshly green as if just painted in an art book.  We were waiting for Rebecca,my eldest daughter,to arrive at the house and then we were going to walk over the road to the restaurant to have lunch. It had to be at the first sitting, and she was driving from Oxford. As the trip takes two hours I was a little nervous that she might be late... But she was bang on time...

 Lovely to see her and to sit by the window watching the sun shine and happy talk all around us. We had a great meal and then came back to the house where we sat around and talked some more. With both her elder children living away from home now, and Ben the youngest away with his Dad, it was so neat to have her near me to share the Mothering Sunday with me.

My first Mothers Day was after Daniel was born. He was born on March 1st and I was so happy to be included that year as a first time mother.. I loved getting the cards and being made a fuss of.. bliss to me..  All my children wherever they are will text or ring me or send cards, so its a day when they all fuss me and that's lovely. 

On a more serious note though.. another friend told me that she thought  every day should be a mother's day , not just one day in the year where you make a fuss... .. which I think is right.. it should not  just be applied because its a special day, but because you love your mother all of the time!  

I am not going to pontificate here as I know that some parents are extremely hard to get along with.. And with the best will in the world, some people just cannot get on with their parents.. That is sad and a loss to both sides.. I did have a bit of a fraught time with my mother as I approached my teen years, I started having great mood swings, and took against any advice she had to offer.. I would get into arguments with her and talk in an Italian accent.. a la loren!!

 God only knows why it had to be Italian[ we had no italian relatives!!!!!.. and would stomp off .. I would hear her saying to my brother,' leave her alone, she's having a hard time, its her hormones'***

My darling mother put up with all sorts of silliness from me.. Walking down the road, I would be swinging my hips if we passed workmen to have them comment on my walk... what my mother thought I cannot imagine. I thought I was being very sexy without realising the difficulties that that could have been caused by my actions.. I am sure my mother would have wanted to slap me to stop, but she let me get on with it and only corrected me when my silliness went too far..

I can remember when I was 13 I developed a blush at every word men or boys spoke to me.. When we had a French student stay with us, I hung around him watching him closely and wiggling my hips and everything else just so he would notice me.. I can clearly remember my mother saying to my father ' she is flirting with Gerard now!! '

Mothers have a lot to put up with and parenting is such a minefield to step through, trying to guide the young ones without depressing their spirits or energy and to advise and warn against dangers that were out in the big world.. Of course rarely did  I listen, and innocence, thank goodness, saved me in one or two spots, where looking back, I had inadvisedly placed myself in possible danger..

 We sailed through though, and then it was my turn with my boys and girls.. I made the  best fist of it as I could ,and they somehow came through, but not without some very very hairy moments I can tell you!!

So, having my darling daughter share with me this special day yesterday made all the late nights waiting for one of them or other to come home, all the days wandering how they were doing, the scraped knees and childhood injuries to be dealt with , the tooth pulling and the myriad things that being a parent means you have to do,  so worthwhile .

Sharing Mother's Day together  with her, made yesterday a very special day for us both*.

Friday, 16 March 2012

love is....

Following on from yesterdays quote and post, and after discussing discipline of children with another blogger.. I am going to talk about love and respect. 

These days, as with the disciplining of children, we are all lost in the fog of being politically correct.. We cannot lay rules down for the children, we cannot spank them, we cannot shout at them, we have to reason with them and get them to agree with you about what is to be done.. With this in mind, is it any wonder that the classrooms are a jungle where teachers cannot teach, that any child thinks an adult is on the same level as their peers and can be spoken to without respect.. in a world that is gradually getting faster and faster out of control..

Along with Love comes Respect.. a small word, but a whole world of meaning.. In the old days, if you had a child out of wedlock it was considered a sin against society.. against the morals of the society you lived in. Unfortunately the reaction was so severe and painful for so many mothers who had to pretend they had not given birth and to give their darling babies away.. The cost was high, but the reverse is also high!

We have a generation of children who have not been born in stable relationships, who's parents are not married, who are left behind when the parents are divorced... All this latitude has happened because we changed the way society managed to cope. Love is hard enough to keep going, but if you are in a transient relationship, what is the glue that binds you together? It is respect that makes relationships a long lasting matter.

There are so many children out there being raised by single mothers who have no intention of getting married, but who expect to live a full and complete sexual life without the ring on their fingers. Why would a man want to marry his friend if he can get everything he wants just by living with her and sharing the bills of running a home and children.. These people are keeping their options open, and its not respectful to the person they are living with..

No matter how many children or houses that you share, you have not stood up in front of society and your friends to say, this person is the one that I have chosen to share my life with as long as I can, and I am proud to give/ take the name being bestowed on me by my marriage..

It is a big commitment, but one that is really worth taking. By getting married, you are standing up and declaring your love and respect for that person, and in taking their name, you are adding value to the relationship.  Name giving is actually a very deep and meaningful thing. To take the name of your husband is being asked to join the family he comes from.. The name of a person is one of the most valuable things that they can offer you. By giving you their name they are declaring that this person is chosen to add children to this family and by doing that, will ensure the family line continues.. It is a valuable connection and without marriage, whole families are split and divided and broken up.. the line discontinued..

 Of course some people are unable to have children, or choose not to, but in agreeing to marry, they are still declaring that in front of all their peers, this person is so special I am sharing the name with them..

Another thing about this society we live in, is that it is thought more interesting to say-' I'm not religious.. I don't believe in God, I fail to see why a clever thinking person should believe in a power that is unseen- ' Well, some people truly hold this view, but it seems to have been imposed on the majority of people that being seen to be religious is soft or silly!!   So many parents, married or not, say that they will not impose a religion on their children, that they will be able to decide when they are adults if they choose to attend a church... This is of course stupid!!  Without being given the basics in instruction and example who is going to show them or discuss so they can make a decision!!

You see, Love is a very big word although it is only 4 letters long.. Love means its not only standing up in front of people and sharing a name, it is also laying down the foundations of how to cope and behave.. and along with the niceties of behaving in public and private, it is also giving a base for the children to later decide if religion will work for them.. so they have to have knowledge of churches and the scriptures in order to make a valid choice later..

 Love takes a lot of commitment and time and energy  but in giving it so generously in all these different ways, you too will feel the results inside yourself...
 It is so true when they say,' if you give out love, it will surround you too.. '

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Love is never to have to say sorry-

In the 70's there was a famous book by Carl Sagan, which was later made into a film starring Ali Mcgraw, and Ryan O'Neill and sold out everywhere. It was called Love Story.. A little light story with a sad ending and one of the sayings that passed into mainspeak, was 'Love means never to have to say sorry'..

 Very profound I think, and for a very long time I know that a lot of people , myself included, thought that what it meant was that whatever you said to  a loved one in the heat of any anger, meant that they knew that you'd not meant it to hurt and so you  needn't say sorry for the wounding ** This, of course is the wrong idea.!!

What it really means is never doing anything that means you have to be sorry for!!!... if you love that person, you would put them first in all your thoughts when you decided to do things, and even in an argument, you would never seek to wound them with a stray remark.  Then the other day I read a blog where the lady said she  had been very disturbed by something someone on Facebook had said. Her relationship had broken down, and she couldn't understand why the other person hadn't understood that whatever she had said in a bad mood or argument wasn't really meant to be taken literally!

I have lived quite a while now and known two husbands, and I can honestly say in any arguments I have had, I have never tried to get a wounding blow in with words, ever, no matter how mad I was at the time.. I have always tried to put myself in the other person's place and would know how hurtful words could be..

Loving someone is really caring deeply for that person, wanting to make them happy all the time, seeing a smile and pleasure from doing little things to make them know you love them.. It never has to cost much, its just the idea that being away from them, you had seen something they might like and brought it home for them..

Never having to say sorry, means you never go out of your way to hurt them and then have to say sorry in the morning** So many people stay in an abusive relationship because after dealing with hurt, both physically and mentally, their husband, wife or partner will apologise in the morning with sweet smiles and all will be well... But it isn't really, its just covered up..

Today I read a lovely letter from John Steinbeck to his son of 16 who wrote to his dad saying he was in love and what could he advise about it.. It was so touching and deep and non pontificating, a male to a male letter gently stating that it was a wonderful feeling, that he should be happy about feeling like this, and that the girl would know he felt this way and would let him know of her interest or not.. and he should treat all females with respect and honour and love would be fulfilling in its time.. It was such a great letter, and from the heart...
. I hope that my children have found a love that reciprocates their love back to them.. that they enjoy all the times together and the silences too when you are so comfortable in each others company, and the deep passion that can make you feel so alive and happy to be born.. Then to be able to pass this on to their children in turn is a true blessing.

I am grateful that despite having divorced my first husband, I keep in good stead with him, that we have never spoken badly about each other to the children, and that they have a relationship with him that is deep and knowing and outside our breakup. That my children also get along with their step brother and sisters and have come to love their stepfather too..

But at the base of all this, is Love, and true love, demands nothing and gets the world of love given back without question .  Everyone gets back what they send out.. Love is selfless and kind and thoughtful and forever true.. with Love in your life, whether its children parents, partners or animals , you are indeed a very wealthy person and will enjoy life whatever happens..

Sunday, 11 March 2012

10 years today

Ten years ago, was the worst year of my life bar none. It started in the January and did not finish until April the following year. The first to leave was my Aunt June who was the youngest sister of my mother, then a whole lot of cousins, aunts uncles and finally my father who survived one year and one month after my mother left us.

 We had all gathered the month before in Crawley Sussex where my parents lived. My sister in law Brigitte had come over with my brother from Belgium where they live, and we were all together out having a lovely meal together. I had taken time to spend the weekend with my brother and Brigitte and parents, so was staying over at the same hotel. We had such a happy weekend together, the sun shone and all was well with the world.  A few weeks later my mother became ill with a fever and then her voice changed, and became higher, which is a sign I think, that the kidneys are failing.. but she didn't want to leave the house and go to hospital, so my dear dad was trying to cope and getting the meds.. after a week she did have to go to hospital and I rushed over to see her, as did my brother and his children ..

 After a few days, we thought she was recovering, but it was not to be and on March 11th 2002, she left us forever.  My father was shattered, he had always the medical things wrong, not her, but it was her time.

With my dad and brother we arranged the funeral and the church was packed to the rafters. We did her proud I am pleased to say.. One year and a month later, whilst staying with me for Easter, my dad's aneurysm ruptured, and after getting him to hospital and staying by his side and texting my brother all the time, he too left us on April 23rd 2003, making a total of 13 people who' lives had ended in that 13 months.. a very hard year indeed.

 I think about them a lot and keep wishing I could pick the phone up to call them and chat, but that will never happen again.. I know that life ends, but it is so hard losing the loved ones however old they are.. Ten years ago I lost the only mum I knew and miss her terribly all the time. I wonder what will happen in another ten years, will it be my turn and my daughters and sons  feeling the same loss- hopefully it will be more like thirty years if I am lucky!!  I never really thought of how it would feel being old and getting older, but you have to try and anticipate  how we shall cope and it would be fine to know that I would live happily and fairly healthy life until my time is up.. I shall do my best to achieve that.. so age is not getting the best of me yet!!

Saturday, 10 March 2012

When do you feel grown up?

I read a blog today where the lady said she only felt grown up after her mother died aged 106, and she was 73!! This is amazing to realise that there are other people out there who do not feel grown up despite their age, its not just me then!!

This lady had had a very very close, maybe stifling relationship with her mother, but she loved her dearly despite the mother interfering all her life in whatever she did, as she kept saying' Mother Knows Best!!' Well, of course she does whilst one is a child, but definitely not after you grow to adult hood and have got a whole load of new and different experiences from your parent..

One of the most joyful things for me is seeing how far and fast my children have flown in their lives, in their careers and in their relationships.. all having a good base from which to set off from. They all know that whatever they do is going to be fine with me, as I trust their judgement and its their road to travel When my daughter announced she was going to live in Canada and start a new life with her husband and son, I encouraged them and made all the right noises despite my heart sinking and feeling sad. When we said goodbye before they left, I cried all the way to the motorway taking me home, but she never saw that either* Same when my son decided he was going to live in Australia, it was his life and his road, and I must live with their decisions..
I, too had parents living far into their years, into their 80's and when my daughter set off for Canada, my parents knew it was probably the last time they would see her in this life, but they never said 'don't go,' they were happy for her in her new exciting life challenge. As a parent, you love and guide your children, but you certainly do not own them at all. They are lent to you to carry the family further and your future is in them.

Despite my having all these grandchildren, I still feel so not grown up its a bit worrying... what does it mean Grown up? Does it mean that your decisions are the only ones, that you take no prisoners, that you are sure that you are right in all things.. that you know everything.. cos that is not me at all!! I learn from my children , its amazing what knowledge they have given me and I love to talk and hear their ideas as I do from my grandchildren now that they are also becoming more grown up* I love learning new things from them all the time..
When I was first a mother I never understood how the earlier generations were so autocratic in their views, particularly the men... How could they really lay the law down at the same age I was, when I knew that I knew very little and would never have dared to be so insistent that my wishes be carried out to the letter.. Of course as the children grew and became more vocal there were  times when you had to insist they follow your rules... but these rules were made for their safety not out of a wish to dominate at all! 

Being grown up to me, means wearing lipstick. high heels and stockings, smoking cigarettes if you wish, having cocktails in the evening, or going out to cocktail parties, being sure of your  knowledge and place in society.. knowing fine wines, the best cheeses, the best food, how to cook it and how to savour it all..

Well, I did wear high heels, I never wore lipstick, do not smoke, rarely have cocktails, and I still feel much too young to really have an opinion.. When I hear love songs in all their angst, I am still waiting for my knight in shining armour on a white horse to come and rescue me from the doldrums, which I am sure is not really right for a woman of my certain age ha ha

When I used to ask my mother' how does it feel to be old?', she would reply that she was never going to get old, and she never did! She stayed as young as she felt forever and I guess I am going to do that too, so I might as well give up waiting for this process called being grown up, hadn't I ? What a relief!!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

goggle is gaga

 cannot use my google browser as it seems to be a false one, so using which makes matters much longer,... what a bore... Anyway it is a nice sunny day now that the rain has stopped, and we are yet again at Biscuit Wednesday, so in a while we shall be off to do our stint of babysitting.. of course when we agreed to do these wednesdays, I never really took in the fact that it would last almost forever, or at least until the boys finish first school.. so there are many many more days like today to look forward to  ha ha.. I shall catch up with my blog later.. have a great day all of you..

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


I've been blown away by all these little still life portrait pictures that people have been making on their blogs, so I thought I would have a go myself today.. this is on our hall lobby table which shows a swan with primroses in it, and a little mother bird and three chicks waiting to be fed.. I think it is delightful and remind myself that spring is almost here now.. Although more rain is forecast and its colder again.. but when the sun shines you can believe its all going to come right soon. I had a nice day today. I took Millie for her walk in the morning, so I had plenty of time to do other things in the house. Then at 3pm  I walked to my friends house round the corner to share a cup of tea and carrot cake with her.. Scrumptious*

 She is such a joy to talk to and hear her version of what's been happening in her life. She came over to England from Poland almost 18 years ago, and speaks English so fast and fluently its amazing. She studied law in Poland, and was going to be a lawyer, but here she has retrained as Teaching Assistant in local school. I never tire of hearing her adventures during the week. and they are so funny too! I barely have time to join in, but that doesn't matter as I find her conversation delightful!

She is also very very pretty, slim and witty. She has a 12 year old daughter and a hard working husband. She walks her big black Labrador dog regularly along the river bank and is the most glamorous dog walker you are ever likely to meet!  The houses  where she lives are built on what used to be an old farm and buildings there. When they moved in five years ago I did not get to meet them straight away. John told me about this girl who walked the dog when he was out with Sasha our old dog, and so one day I went and introduced myself to her and invited her to my birthday tea party. From that small beginning we have become fast friends, even though I am older than her mother and father!!

We talk on the same level and there is not an age gap to feel difficult about. I met her mother last year, and she was equally dynamic and chatty, so although she didn't speak English, we all got along like a house on fire. We invited them around to us for drinks during her mother's stay.  After a couple of glasses of wine, she felt relaxed enough to ask if we had anything stronger! Dorotta was embarrassed at having to ask, but we didn't mind... We looked around and found a bottle of brandy that John's father had won at a golfing tournament over 20 years previously!!!. We gave her a glass, and then another, and then it was time for them to go back home..
[All  the rest of that week we were expecting a phone call to say mother had been taken ill after drinking the brandy, as we knew it was so old!! However it was a great evening and we loved to see them and we know now that she has not stopped telling people back home how she enjoyed meeting her daughter's friends** ]

It is quite amazing when you meet someone and whatever their background or where they live, you click immediately and have a special friendship straight away isn't it?  A lot of my friends do seem to come originally from outside the UK.. why that is I cannot imagine..

 I have a little Chinese  friend that came from Malaysia to study law, and she qualified and became a solicitor.  I met her during a client visit for my business and as I went to leave, she asked me to be her friend and see her again.. Since then we have shared many happy times together and even been on holidays  with our husbands too.

 I went once with her to visit her parents in Malaysia in the best part of their year which is Spring time.. What a super country that is and how I loved my visit there, the days were hot but not too hard to bear. I loved the dry heat and the sun tan I got despite it only being March . We spent almost three weeks away and John was home looking after Sasha our old dog.. He never minds when I travel.. lucky me..

Whilst I was in Malaysia, my mother called my mobile and told me not to let go of Yew See's hand** just like I was five years old,[ besides which, my friend is tiny and I tower above her], but my mother was worried I could get lost out there in a foreign land!!! Sadly my mother is gone now and my dad, but I do not think they ever stopped seeing me as their little girl, even when I got to be a grandmother!!

Monday, 5 March 2012

Off to see the Wizard

I am off to the hospital yet again** I swear that not a week goes by before I am setting off to see yet another so called specialist. When I get there, I have to wait to park, then walk slowly along long corridors until I get to the place I am supposed to be. Then another long wait until I am seen. When I do finally get to meet a person, they might not be the actual specialist but one of his juniors.. oh bliss eh? What I have is non curable, but they send me here and there to meet all these different people who are coming from the perspective of a normal person who has problems.. not one who was normal, and got the problems after the bloody surgery!!! I am so tired being moved from pillar to post. This afternoon is another jaunt into the valley of supposedly useful caring tactics.. ways to help me achieve an order in my life.. I know I shall be embarrassed, mortified by the examinations, and then told very little which will actually help me live as a normal person. My lower limb paralysis was caused by the operation to cure sciatica.. well, it didn't, and made it worse, as I have these difficulties and even walking was better before even with the pain!

Having ranted enough there, I will say that the sun is shining, its much cooler, but still smiling outside.. I shall wash and set my hair, change my clothes and get in the car to drive along the motorway to the hospital.. Hope I shall find a parking spot without too much waiting and also not have to walk too far..

  I have to get back into a routine that will allow me to do the latest ironing and now, my new skill of sewing!! This along with running my business, and time to walk Millie is taking up most of the day.. I hate being rushed, so I really will have to declutter my thoughts and get organised.. Maybe starting earlier might help..

Over these winter months, we have got very late in getting up.. We go to bed around 11, but not fully dressed in morning until same time!! This is because when John goes out for his run, he brings a cup of coffee to me, then when he comes back we have another coffee and sit around talking and generally wasting time, and the clock seems to whizz and suddenly its long after 10 and more close to 11!!! This is unheard of behaviour normally... is it a sign that as we wind down to retirement we are becoming more laissez faire in our behaviour... I don't want to stop and be like an 80 year old yet... so must change this routine quickly before it gets too late ha ha..

 As part of my de clutter plan I have just gone and bought a shredder to replace our previous one.. that was much bigger than the one I have bought home, although the new one certainly looked a lot larger judging by the pesky box... but it will do for my purpose I guess.. I will be relieved not to see so much paperwork hanging around.. loads of cv's and letters that can be destroyed safely now and get my room back to normal.. When I finally close the door on my business later this year, I will feel very sad, but then I plan to change the room into my activity room, and do my sewing and artwork here, so it won't be empty for long..

My time says I got to go, so everyone out there  have a great happy day !

Thursday, 1 March 2012


My dear friend came over to my house and sat and showed me how to operate my electric sewing machine.. It works very well and I managed to do straight seams, however that was tuesday and now it is thursday and I have not sat at the table and tried on my own... I obviously feel nervous at doing it on my own, I know what I want to do, but scared to start, how stupid is this... I am writing this down, so that it motivates me to go into that room, sit down and start sewing as I know I can, but I haven't tried to prove it yet... what a scare baby I am, and its my machine, doesn't matter if anyone knows I cocked up in doing it, so why the hesitation.. I know how much I would love to be good at it, and very much fear failure.. a trait I have laughed at in my husband, now I have caught it off him... hmmm well, here goes... I will write again after I have conquered this necessary feat!!

Hurrah, as you can see from the second pic, the seam is not the straightest, but I did what I needed to do, which was cover the bolster, and those ends are just tied, will add ribbons of velvet to go with the corderoy material... have another one to do, which I will do tomorrow... actually very pleased with me, as I also had to rethread the machine, and I did it all  memory... oh what a relief --ha ha

Spring day here with sunshine and budding on trees

A glorious Spring Day, just like the day when I went in to hospital to have my first child today. He now lives in Australia but with the current electronic magic, I was able to speak to him, text him and be part of his day and plans even though the miles separate us! It was majical, and made me happy too.  I was taken to hospital in the small hours of the 1st of March. The baby was calculated to arrive on the 27th of February, but he kept me waiting. My husband was home from university and doing his homework, and I was sitting on the couch, when my tummy went into a hard ball and then relaxed.. When it had been doing this for about an hour at regualr intervals I called the hospital and they told me it appeared I was in early labour, so they sent an ambulance to collect me* Those were the days... I felt quite a fraud as I walked out and they had to put the stretcher away.. Getting to the hospital, my  hushand was not allowed to stay with me so had to make his way back to the house on his own in the early hours of the morning.. I ws put into a cubicle and told to lie down and wait until the nurse came. I heard a lady crying and moaning aloud somewhere along the corridor and I remember thinking.. Oh this might hurt... it had not , until that moment actually occurred to me! Then I heard the baby cry and was pleased that all was well. I dozed off then woke up climbing mountains of pain.. they wheeled me in to the theatre to deliver.. every time they bought me a cup of tea the climbing mountain would start and I never did manage to drink it!  I can remember trying to get off the bed to run away, the drugs made me feel I was being imprisoned in a james bond movie, and I know I got one foot on the floor... finally they had to help the poor child by forceps and he was thankfully delivered safe and sound. He was taken away for bed rest for 4 days because of the trauma of forceps.. I lay awake the whole night despite a sleeping pill, thinking how clever I was and how wonderful we were a mummy and daddy* Next day husband came to see me and then go to nursury to see his son for the first time.. marvellous... and now that son is 45 today and has two sons of his own and lives the other side of the world!! Memories triggered by the sunshine of today brings it all back to me so vividly.

When Spring comes, it brings one a whole load of feeling hope that things might get better and this year might be better than last.. I certainly hope so for the last five years I have had several operations and none are scheduled for this year, hurrah* I love seeing the buds on the trees, the leaves of flowers poking through the earth, the smell of warm earth as the sun heats it, all go to a grand feeling of good happiness.

 Funnily enough though, my favourite time is Autumn, when all the trees have a last burst of colour before the leaves start to fall.. when the hues of the world are so bright and beautiful and again full of hope just before the winter arrives.. When I was small at school we had a place called' the woods'.. we would run out and play in these woods, tigg or hide and seek,,and when the leaves fell we found a way to construct little houses ... we would collect the sticks on the ground, place them against the tree trunck and then batten them down with leaves thickly pushed together, so we created a hut.. You were water proofed in there and could sweep the floors and make the earth hard and packed, and then decorate the inside of your own little house.. quite amazing to see the wood full of these little huts with girls playing happily in them re -creating little homes and being sublimely happy doing so.. I have never seen it done anywhere else, so don't know if other children did it, but it was most satisfying and then we would bring little bits and pieces from home to make it more homely... quite fascinating to remember those days.. in training for housekeeping I guess!!!! Probably thats why I like Autumn best the feeling of being in control of your own little universe.

I love reading the other bloggs on site, and one thing has struck me, how giving and sharing this blogging community is, and how much love and strength is shared.. what an amazing new world..  Writing about the day has caused me to neglect other things, so I must stop here and wish anyone that has read this, a happy marvellous spring day wherever you are in the world!