Friday, 22 November 2013

birthday number 3

Today is another special day for me..[ I am so lucky that I seem to have quite a few of these days, ]but this one is extra special because its the anniversary of the first day I met my daughter Gabriella.. Despite it being November, the sun shone that day too.. I had had a couple of false alarms before, and my poor husband had to rush around trying to find a telephone box to call the hospital for an ambulance to take me in.. I was due on the 9th of November, but on the 7th had had to attend a wedding .. I had thought that it would have started me off as we had to travel quite a distance to get there.... but no. there I was in all my finery and a huge bump in front... On the evening of the 20th November I had re folded all the baby clothes, moved a huge wardrobe and laid a carpet [with the help of my husband of course..]. but in the early hours I knew I was in labour... of course having had a false alarm twice, my beloved lying in bed did not wish to get up and go out in the cold and dark to find a phone to call the ambulance..!!!!!! but he did, and when they arrived around 6 am I was really in the throes of it all... Husband had to stay behind as the two other little ones were asleep.. I found myself in the hospital very quickly and the pains very close to gether.. My pet way to cope,[ this beiing my third child I was getting cleverer, and had found that counting out loud helped manage the pain].. crying out for an epidural but refused as they did not have any, and the next hospital was too far away and I was already nearly pushing, so had to shut up and continue counting.!!!.. At 9.25 that morning, 21st November- my second daughter came into the world, as bright and bonny as she ever was! Realising that at last that push had got baby out.. I waited to hear what I had had... [bearing in mind that I had carried exactly the same way I had with Daniel my first, Rebecca who came second carried completely differently..] . I had assumed it was also going to be a boy and knitted everything blue!!! When the doctor called out 'you have a lovely baby daughter' I cried out, 'but I can't have, I've knitted everything blue... he replied..'well I cannot put her back, so you will have to tie pink ribbons around the knitted garments to try and alter the look!!!! Because I was so sure it was going to be another boy, I had not decided properly on a girl's name... then my mother disagreed with my choice of Lorna for 4 days she was nameless.. then being close to christmas, I thought of Angel Gabriel, and decided to call her Gabriella Maria... all italian like... but pretty all the same!!... [ of course as she was growing up into teen years she hated the name and wanted an ordinary one instead.!!] .. I've never regretted having any of my children, and when the health visitor asked me when I was home, whether I had finished having children - I replied.. no, realising how much I enjoyed meeting the new babies, even though the pain was undescribable at the time... they were all worth it!!!

Thursday, 14 November 2013


When you are given a tiny baby that has just arrived out of the womb, the enormity of the journed you have just started, might hit you hard..For myself, I was just so overjoyed at a safe arrival of a baby son that looked perfect in every way.. For some people it is that first meeting where you realise that this little one is totally reliant on yourself. The early days of motherhood are a fast learning curve... when I had my son, the stay in hospital was at least a week, sometimes two** I know that at the fourth day I would have gone home leaving my son to stay for the alloted term.. because I was missing my husband such a lot, and as he was a student at university..there were lots of girls to distract him whilst I was away... So, we began our journey, which ended 23 years later and four other little ones joining my first baby. Having children is an open book situation... no rules, ideas how to, other than that handed to you by your mother, who seems to have ideas that do not match any recent child book publications... Somehow you get through and the kids grow up, and then there is the awful time called Teenage years. At the moment, my daughter is experiencing heart ache and anxiety as her almost 16 year old is in constant conflict with his dad and any other authority like school!! They recently moved in the countryside with a bit of land, and meant that my daughter's journey to work each day is 2 hours there and another 2 hours back.. The boy had to change schools and in the way amongst kids, the quickest way to be accepted is to become part of those that are rebelling... So now his nocturnal times when he should be asleep is spent texting his friends and being glued to his phone.. Tuesday night, his father found him outside in the garage smoking [pot] and drinking... of course there was a conflict situation, and things got said, and finally his dad said..'well those are the house rules and if you don't like them, you know what to do'- this, bear in mind is at 3am in the morning, and my girl has to go to work at 6am to catch train.. You can guess what the outcome was... no show of the boy after school.. missed his appointment with the head of school because of disruptive behaviour at school, and vanished! His father drove all over the place trying to see if he was walking around.. but nothing except one of his friends said she thought he might be staying over with another friend and that information had to do, as she said she didnt know which friend it could be.. I live so many many miles away from them, that I feel so useless being no help to my girl.. The family structure has always been a bit volatile, as Dad is fairly strict and mum tries to reason with the kids..[ when one gets married, the last thing you discuss is parenting issues... and how you deal with them.. so these two have totally different outlooks and that causes confusion that grows and grows.. ] They will have to attend family session counselling, but in the meantime, all this sorrow and heartache continues when you cannot reach your child emotionally or physically.. At almost 16 he's bound to feel he knows better than his parents in real life issues.. None of my kids touched drugs at his age, and boozing was tried out and abandoned, but much later than mid teens... university was the nightmare then, so many other things to disrupt their studies, but we all came through fairly unscathed I think.. ]] The family is very comfortably well off as the household income is high and now they have moved, Dad is there working from home, so they always have one parent around..I am sure that my grandson feels very hard done by, and that his parents do not understand where he is coming from , but smoking pot is never going to get things right, and the next few months are going to be hard for them all.. I do hope he returns soon, but who can tell... being a parent is such a hard job, but the rewards are wonderful ... however the down side is always there too, and in this situation, where he feels outside the family group, is not an easy one to correct..

Monday, 7 October 2013

why do I cry so much?

Why do I sit and feel so emotional all of the time.. during the summer I had my boy Dan stay with me for a few days with his younger son Griffin 3 years old, and his older boy Jordan who stays with his mum in Boston. Dan's second marriage was to an australian, so they all live in Perth after he re-married almost five years ago. Having the three of them staying with me was absolute heaven and that three year old was soo good, I was also amazed to see how well his elder brother cared and loved him too.. Having children with other partners must be hard on the older ones, but in this case all seems to be going ok. When they left to return to Australia I was there to wave them goodbye at 8am in the morning and they took my heart with them.. Today I have attended a funeral of a dear friend who we've known for over 20 years, a kind caring and so clever man.. Early days after his retirement his doctor didn't take the signs of his illness seriously enough until the cancer had developed everywhere in his body and today we laid him to rest. It was a perfect service and well attended and she did her husband proud.. but sadness pervaded everywhere as his life had touched so many people and we were better for knowing him Last month I had a complete breakdown. I am suffering with paralysis of the nether regions and find it very very difficult to manually manage myself. I just could not stop crying for my self selfishly too, because of a life that might have turned out differently if I had taken another road, for the fact that everyone is condemned to die at some point and there is nothing to stop that process. and just for the helplessness that I felt in dealing with every day** It took me over three days to start feeling my mood lifting and gradulally coming back to coping with everything again.. for the whole weekend, my poor husband didnt know what to do to help, he kept coming in the room saying we were in this together and try and feel better... as I said I was like this for at least three or four days, and then gradually felt better.. However at emotional times like funerals, I just lose it all and cry for the whole world it seems, whilst all the other people are listening to the words of the speakers and not wiping tears away like me. I am on a knife edge all the time I realise this, and wonder how to get out of this emotional anxiety that I feel every moment.. it is very difficult to know what to do.. This is why I have not been blogging for some time, so be patient dear friends, I will be back, just not yet.. but soon...

Sunday, 14 July 2013

my eldest daughter's birthday

I was planning to write about my daughters birthday in the lead up to the day, but could not write on this page for some reason..

anyway, her birthday was on Friday and she was very happily celebrating it with friends and siblings, so she had a happy day..

When I was expecting her, I had terrible kidney failure, and was rushed off to hospital in a serious condition.

My young husband had started his job that morning and I felt very unwell. I then filled a washing up bowl with blood and had to call the doctor. He cam immediately and said I had to go to hospital. I did not want him to alert my husband at his new job, I was so worried about his reaction if he had to leave to attend to me.
The doctor rang around to see who could look after my eldest child, Daniel who was 16 months old. A foster parent was found over a hundred miles away, but thankfully the lady next door came to my rescue. She had a disabled son so was at home all day..

 Thank goodness Daniel could be looked after daily whilst I was in hospital. I was 7 months pregnant and for a while they discussed making me deliver, but after complete bed rest for several days where I was so weak and fading in and out of consciousness I was finally allowed to go home..

When I was rushed off to hospital, my poor husband had come home and read the note, so turned up to see me, and learned of the arrangement with next door. Thank goodness for that dear neighbour, whom I had not met before, but she cared for my Daniel all the time I was in hospital. Eventually I came home, so weak I could not even lift my little boy and that neighbour continued to look after him. Each day before work, he would carry h is bag with his nappies in and go next door... not a squeak or tantrum from him, he was such an angel.

 Rebecca decided to wait 2 more weeks from the end of the pregnancy and so I had to into the hospital to be induced.
It was a strange experience having the bag of waters broke.. when they did it, they held up a dark hair and said baby had lots of hair..
A mere 4 hours later I was meeting her for the very first time. It was such a rapid push out that her eyes remained closed for almost a week and he little fists were clenched too..

 After all the travails, I was so happy to have a daughter this time..

We named her Rebecca Louise.. and from that day to this she has always been such a wonderful person. She now has three children of her own, almost grown up, and we share a lot of special moments together.

On the 12th of July I remember how much I love her and what a thrill it was to meet her for the very first time.

Another amazing co incidence is that my brother's daughter Capucine, was born on the same day but 12 years later, so we ring each other up to congratulate each other on the births of our daughters**

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

anxiety and baby blues

How to deal with anxiety is not easy or dealt with in one fell swoop.. It was after I had my fifth child that I was so overcome with the hardness of my life, of my young husband being so much under pressure that he drank too much, that we never had enough money to go round.. It hit me about three weeks after my last child was born. Everything felt too much. I would walk into the shops, knowing what I had to buy, but the counters in their shiningness seemed to hover above the ground, and the noise from all the people were just so much that I would dissolve into tears and rush away home again.
 I tried to keep it from my husband, and would appear strong as I saw him off to work, then it would somehow all overwhelm me and I would be reduced to a puddle again. As soon as the time got near for his homecoming, I would wipe my eyes and concentrate on getting the meal ready for us all. Of course I did go to the doctors and was given tablets that made me sleep heavily. so after one usage, I put them away, and I never ever found them again.. my subconscious had hidden them away.. We lived in that house for another two years, but they were lost for good..
 So I had to cope without them.
Each day was a blur of tiredness and sadness, I could not shake this feeling of gloom that I felt surrounded me,  It was only my friend Carol that told Sean that I was in a very bad place emotionally and was crying all day when he was at work. Of course , there was nothing he could do but wait with me until the feeling lifted and I could face the day without fear. Having five children and the last two being 18 months apart, of course it was quite a lot to handle and cope with---.
 I did do it, and no one of the children has ever mentioned how they thought, when I was going through those rough moments.

I am talking about this, because it is a real event that happens to many people and it dogs their whole life. I am so fortunate that the black dog visits me rarely now. I think at the time with all my hormones flashing all over the place, it could have contributed to the terrible feelings I had.

 There was another time before I got married, when my brother and my parents and myself had returned from France to live in England, and we had no home to come back to.
I had got a job quickly enough and so had my brother, and my parents, but for a while we lived in rented places, once having to share a house with two other men. I remember looking at the people on the Tube when I was travelling back and forth to work.. thinking that they all had homes to go to and how awful it was to be actually homeless, although we did have rooms to rent..
Rooms which incidentally were so cold in the winter that we had to keep all our clothes on under the bedclothes! It wasn't a long time like this, but I do remember feeling despair..

Despite my medical condition which has resulted from two awful operations on my spine, I have not plummeted to the depths that I felt then for which I am so grateful... Yes I get fed up, but tomorrow is always another day..

This evening I have just put the phone down after talking to a very dear friend who is finally home after many months in hospital having a nervous break down. This person has tried to be so strong for so long despite the way that life had treated her.
She was married for over 25 years when her husband decided to start a campaign of hate against her, and made her two sons follow his nastiness. For five years they lived in the same house, not speaking to her.. totally ignoring her, and then when he found another partner, he moved out and their sons went with him.

They were in their early teens, so its hard to say why, but it left her all alone and destroyed. Luckily she did have  faith which helped her survive those awful days, but finally it all catches up with you, and she is now recovering from a second nervous breakdown.. speaking to her on the phone, she is slow to answer, all her vitality knocked out of her, and I know that the drugs must be useful, but it is so pitiful to hear her speak.

I cannot imagine why life has dealt her this blow, but all she can do is take each day like us all, one day at a time

The strangest thing is that trying to take one day at a time, is much harder than you think.... its easily said.. but your brain is programmed over the years, to anticipate actions that might happen and for which you have to have a knowledge of how to deal with it, that each day you have various tasks to perform, but if you do try and take it one at a time, then some days you might do nothing but look at the sky, despite all the other duties you might have to do..Baby blues do go, even if it does take a while and life looks so hard.. but like the man once said...
 who? I don't know...- something like -----

in ten years time, or even one, today will have passed and all the trouble in it, will have gone too,
 and no one but you might care..

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

It was my birthday last friday.!!

It was my birthday last Friday, May 24th, and what a miserable day it turned out to be, weather wise that is!

I got up late and went out to do my rounds of the charity shops to see if there were any bargains.. nothing that day... then I came  home, and got all dressed up for a lunch at the posh restaurant which is just across the road from us.  We didn't have to book a place, but it was still very busy indeed and a whole party of ladies were sitting at the top table having great fun nattering all together.

John and I sat and were waited on by a charming young girl.. I had a super lunch and it was quickly delivered and the taste was great too. We were so full up afterwards that we had no space for puddings or coffee to finish the meal. We paid and made our way home, which took all of three minutes!

it was a cold and rainy day , and as grey as nasty outside, but I was very happy with the gifts I had been given and the cards that everyone had sent. I knew that there would be other messages, but on face book, and since the day before, the computer had been down.. so no interaction with the web.

Some people are happy that they do not have to rush to click on line, but me, I miss it like crazy... The odd thing is, that it was all supposed to be so different.
I was  having a mobile upgrade to another company that was part of the group where I had the mobile from originally. So, I received the upgrade, a Blackberry Z10, and then because it was so difficult to get to work, went to the shop and got the sales people there to make it work.. then they suggested that I move providers over to them, and I would be having a hassle free transfer, money back scheme, and much lower bills all round...
 Ha, well that will have to be looked at later when I get the bills...

 Because even though they have me down as being connected from May 17th, and sent me a router to work it, my current account at the previous provider, only cut me off on May 23rd, just the day before my birthday.. so that will be an interesting situation when it gets to discussing... anyway, the land line was stopped as well, so an engineer was booked to come to my house on the Tuesday following..

which she did, a girl, that managed to complete everything fast and was so pleasant too... but did my broadband work immediately... no it did not... this was then the start of many hours calling on my mobile to see what could be done to connect me with the Internet... and this took until late yesterday evening...

 then today I had a remote server help me get the emails all up and running.. but I have been left without being able to use flash or other downloads, because in order to download them I have to get rid of my security instructions which leaves me open to all the nasty virus in the universe...

so here I am still, not very happy with my new provider, and very very annoyed at all the running around on the phone I have had to do... we shall hear more of this I am sure..

So, Friday was my birthday and a whole new year starts... I shall ignore all the fuss about the broadband or mobile phone and say, I am so ready for a change... I hope this year will be better than last and I will make every effort to make it so.. Don't laugh, I really am going to try and make this year different and next year, I will be able to tell you out in blogland, just how much I managed to keep to my plan!

Friday, 17 May 2013

The right to decide?

I am not going to develop this idea into a long monologue of ideas and thoughts, just to note down, and state that 24  hours ago, I was asked, by someone close to me, that if they wanted to decide to die, would I help them..

I sat  back and thought very deeply about this question. A question that is not asked in the cold light of day usually,but being asked to say whether I would assist because that someone's suffering  they cannot bear to go on for a moment longer..

So this question was hyperthetical..[ I think that is the word.]. ask, that required an answer that the person asking could depend on it happening, should the time come.

I do believe that we are all put on this earth to achieve something, that sometimes life decides a different road, but mainly that we are here to reproduce ourselves and continue the immortality that we feel we are entitled to.

That taking a life is such a terrible and worrying thing to do...

However, when we see an animal is in deep distress through old age or accident, we  do reserve the right to assist them in their journey out of this life however upsetting that might be, and it can be absolutely awful to lose a domestic animal that you have grown to love..

When I see older people suffering with Parkinson's, or Dementia or MS or any other awful illness that will make them die in a horrible way.. I ask myself what right do we have to make them live on until they are totally worn out and die naturally, instead of helping them achieve a peaceful and dignified exit of this world?  To be just sitting in a chair, or lying in a bed shaking with illness, or crying out loud because you have lost words, or weeping because you cannot remember anything.. how is it right to be just waiting for death to come and claim us..

Approaching old age very fast, these thoughts are more and more on my mind. There have been several cases taken to the High Court in London, where the patient asks for the right to decide when they die, and that if their family or carer assisted them, they would not be punished...

 Up to now, the courts have decided to deny these people their rights to die in a manner of their own choosing.. How is this democracy, if that person has the deepest right taken away from them>?

Of course it is true that every case is individual, but I'm sure that anyone in a dire situation, that has no quality of life, that is screaming inside for it all to end, that their bodies a shell and not able to move,  do have the right to decide their own exit.

I would not be able to find it easy to make a decision to assist anyone who asked me to aid them in committing suicide, but I would find it also very hard, not to agree to their wishes, and if this meant that the Law would choose to punish me, I think I would stand firm on my rights as an individual to help a fellow human achieve a peaceful and dignified way to die...

What about all my blog fellows out there, do you think we should reserve the right to help another person take control and decide when they wish to leave this life?

It is a very deep question, but maybe after you have examined your conscience you will find as I did, that helping someone to retain their dignity and human characteristics,might overrule what the law of the country actually allows at the moment..

Of course I trust that I will never be placed in that situation, but I rather surprised myself in hearing myself agree to aid if the situation warranted it..

Friday, 26 April 2013

I hate pubs.

In England there are many Pubs, or Public Houses that are closed every week because of recession and people just not going to the pubs frequently like they did in previous years.

The reason is of course, you can buy all the booze you wish to in the supermarkets and then sit and watch tv or films in your own home.- which indeed might be a worse scenario... but  this is my reason.....

When I was growing up, my parents gave frequent parties and had a lot of fun, but I never ever saw a drunk person in all the years I was growing up.. There would always be drinks in the cocktail cabinet for people who came to dinner or parties and not once did I have to deal with anyone drunk. I never realised it at the time, but of course in the other world, people had terrible tales about the drink and how they had to live with the aftermath.
As I said, I never knew what it was like when someone liked drink more than he liked you or the family he created with you. Knowing how hard his life had been with a dad that drank too much, I would have expected him to be more aware... but of course he was not. His mother had got him and his siblings to sign 'the pledge' which of course, as soon as he was adult enough, he broke time and time again.

I ran away to live with him in London when there was a train strike going on. I told my parents that as my job was in London I had to stay up there with friends during the strike. I am sure that they didn't really believe me, but I went anyway and completely cut off  communication with them. I was being so happy and loved up, it never occurred to me that I was causing them heartbreak and trouble and worry..

However, despite all my loved up feelings, I began to dread each day after work. I would meet him and we would go to a pub which he had chosen and where he would meet up with his friends and their girlfriends. The girls chatted away and smiled and laughed at their jokes.. as the bars became crowded and noisy and the smoke from cigarettes made your eyes water.. he would keep going up to the bar with his friends, bringing back drinks whilst I drank Ginger Beer and Lime cordial all evening.. each time it would be such a time waster... I would sit and try and be happy whilst all the time, keeping an eye on the clock to see how many more drinks he would have before the bell rang for last orders.... time took a long time going in those days.. it seemed so long and I was so bored with all of the noise and the chatter and the silly silly discussions that got worse by the hour.. when the bell finally rang.. they would be up and rush to the bar for the last bl....... drink which sometimes was two at a time...

You might ask where did all the money come from, as he was a student at London University and had a tiny grant.. His mother was very generous to him sending him money. and I was working at a secretarial job which paid a small salary.. we never had money for luxuries, like paying the rent, and looking back I can see why.... most of it went on booze and food.. Nowadays pubs are allowed opening times for all hours, but they have cut the cigarette smoking out, so its much easier to breath there.. but the drinks are still available for all if you have the money that is... its much more expensive for going out for a couple who meet up with friends..

The reason I hate pubs, is that it took hours until last orders, and god only knew how many drinks could be drunk in the time between 6pm and 11pm. and then getting a man/boy home in such a wobbly condition on the trains and tubes, was no picnic.. I hated the stupidity of it all, the waste of time and energy trying to be a good supportive girlfriend to him..

They say that all the signs that will break a marriage are also there in the early days, you just choose to avoid them.. hope that this is just a phase and it will all work out.. but the signs are there and if you choose to ignore them, then the price later on is so much higher than if you had just said.. 'enough, I do not enjoy this, so we should decide whether our relationship is worth all those drinks'...

Of course I did no such thing.. I smiled and loved and laughed too because it was not all bad, but  it took me 23 years to stop being married to someone I loved so deeply and hard, and yet, as my young son said on the night before I got married for the second time..' I know dad loves us, but he threw us away for a bottle didn't he'? Those are hard words, but so true..

Like all good ideas, going to the pub, in moderation, can be a pleasant way to waste a few hours in congenial chat and laughs, but when it creeps up on you and you go every evening, its no longer a nice thing to do.. instead of a servant the drink becomes the master and nothing is ever the same again..

I have been thinking this through this evening, as there was a review on the radio of a play in London set in a public bar, and where the actors tell stories and have a lot of fun whilst they are all drinking... [this scenario is one that Publicans would have believe that its why they are in business, offering a good time for all..].
what they do not think about is when that person enjoying all the conviviality and drinks, how he is when he comes home, and how the family listen silently in fear as he starts to discuss something with the wife, that then gets to frustration as she seems not to be listening and then the noise grows louder and louder whilst he is trying to get her to understand what he is saying.. and the whole caboodle comes to a crashing halt... it might be that he has been calmed enough to sit down and has then fallen asleep, or worse he has started to attack his wife.. whilst the kids hear everything upstairs and lie frightened in the dark.. when it is all quiet, then they relax as they hear mother coming upstairs to bed..

Pubs sell booze and booze is evil when it is allowed to master the person drinking.. This is why I hate pubs and all the money in china would not make me change my mind.. I do use them to meet friends, but I have never been comfortable in them, ever since those days in the mid 1960's when I should have been reading all the signs and decided myself if I wanted to live a life with another person plus their weakness..
But then, if I had listened to  me, I would never have had my five wonderful children and now their lovely children... but I do think how it all went wrong and I do regret that.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Well, what a palaver!!!!

Today is now Easter Friday, the day we give prayers for the sacrifice that Our Lord made for us all.. and I am seated at my computer, we have friends coming over we have not seen for over 5 years and they are arriving at exactly the time it is proper and fitting to be in Church whilst they pray for the Stations of the Cross, and I will be sitting down with them to tea and crumpets and cake.. what a terrible Christian I am turning out to be!**

However I do have a reason that I am not able to go to Church to observe the stations of the cross.

Let me go back to Tuesday when I went by train down to London, met up with an old Client friend, had lunch and then met another old friend from school to go to see the Manet Exhibition at the Royal Acadamy of Arts.. What a wonderful time I had that day, and lots and lots of walking, culminating in taking the Tube back to the main station.. Catching the Tube I think, is the reason for what happened next!!

Wednesday evening, in the kitchen, sitting down, not moving, went to place the brochure of the exhibition on the kitchen table, when the whole room swung sideways, as a listing ship and I almost fell off my chair... the room continued to swing around me for a few moments, then went back to normal.. Going to bed later as I lay down, again the room swung around and around as I pulled up the covers.. I was so scared, I thought I was going to have a stroke.. I managed to sleep ok all night, but when I got up in the morning I was still giddy and not able to walk properly having to hang on to walls to get around! As I said, I was very frightened and called the doctor's surgery to see if I could have emergency visit to see doc. She agreed, and John drove me over there. We waited around a bit until he could fit us in.. When he saw me and heard what had happened he told us that he was seeing two or three people a day with the same thing! It was a viral infection that attacks the inner ear,Labrynthitis  so balance is all off, and could last up to two weeks... he gave me some anti dizzy tabs, and returning home I went and laid down all afternoon, only getting up in time to make supper. I went again to bed early, and feel a lot better, but still a bit giddy, so cannot go out and sit in Church like this, not knowing if I am going to keel over... so instead when a friend who lives a long way away decided to see if they could visit as they were in the area, of course I said yes it would be nice to see them after such a long time, since I was not going out to Church and we agreed on the time.

I am a Christian, but raised as a Catholic, I choose when and if I attend Mass. I believe quite strongly all that I have been told, but do it my way as and when its a need in me to go to Church. So, this afternoon will pass lovely with friends, and decorating of the front room will start tomorrow, cannot wait to see the changes the colour will make... so all in all, I am a relieved and happy bunny that my off balance episode was not a pre warning of a stroke to happen, and we shall see good friends after such a long time..

Happy Easter to everyone out there, God's blessing on you all..x

Friday, 1 March 2013

life changing moment

This day 46 years ago, after a rather traumatic birthing, my son was delivered and was whisked away for Cot rest, as he had had to be a forceps delivery.  He weighed in at 7lbs 8 oz's and was instant love the second I met him.  I had of course got pregnant first, then married when three months gone. I had a quiet wedding at Kensington Registry office where the rich and famous often  go to get married. I was 21 and blissfully in love with a student.. no money, no career plans, just was going to be a mum. My husband was 20 and at University in London studying Philosophy.. what we were going to do for the future, was all unknown and I sailed into these uncharted waters without fear, as you do, when you know no better!

I had gone to one lesson on birthing a baby and decided that apart from the diagrams, which made no sense to me, the fact that the lady taking the lesson was unmarried and had not birthed herself - I could do better things with my time than worry about all that was going to happen.! We shared a large flat in London with several other students, and hardly managed to be paying our share of the rent... we were as poor as church mice... but I was going to be a mother.

Then had to tell my parents that I was getting married.. I rang them the night before the date, and I remember how my mother cried that she had not been involved and that her friends had not been invited.. callously I told her 'its my wedding' I don't need to impress your friends*

 I shrink inside me now, knowing how hurt that must have made her feel.. but at that time I was very headstrong and so sure I could make the right decisions. So, we got married.. had a sort of party afterwards with our friends... most of them students and poor,. so it was a massive curry that someone had cooked, and lots of cheap beer for my reception-

My baby I discovered would be due the end of February.. this fact I knew from the doctor when he first examined me. I had left it until 5 months before I registered with a doctor.. he was very angry at my leaving it so late in the pregnancy, but blissfully I ignored him and was totally wrapped up in my new state of motherhood. We managed to get through all the hard times, with my husband being away all day at University and I did a variety of temp jobs to keep us going .

We lived in 2 rooms of a house, and waited until it was time. The due day came and  passed, and then the next evening,my tummy started getting tighter and tighter until it was as hard as a football... then it relaxed and then the tightening started again.  Whilst my husband was trying to complete his essay, the feelings grew and grew until I had to ask him to go and find a telephone and call the ambulance. I was still not feeling any pain, but the ambulance men put me on a trolley to wheel to their transport, and we both went to the hospital.

 Because I was in such early stages, they then sent my  husband home to wait.. It was 3am now and he had to find his own way home which I know took him a long time by hitchhiking

 I was still lying in my bed, when I heard a person start to scream and shout for at least half an hour, and then I was struck by the thought that this birthing lark might hurt quite a lot.!!!!
... it honestly had not impressed itself on my mind before!

At 7.30 they came in with a cup of tea, which as I reached for it... I could not take it, as the pain suddenly escalated and there I was climbing this mountain of pain that was  like nothing I'd ever felt before... The day passed, and the pain was immense so they gave me drugs to ease it, but it caused me to try and escape them as I had now decided I was in a James Bond movie and was being held prisoner! I clearly remember having a foot on the floor, and two nurses holding me back from running off...

Of course, now you see why I had to have forceps, I was such a ninny and totally lost the plot!!!

At 4.30 in the afternoon this poor little baby was dragged out of me, and he looked grey when I first saw him... when he had rallied, and was all cleaned up and wrapped up in a towel to meet me for the first time, my heart literally turned over... I could not believe this little one was mine... his eyes looked out without fear, and I examined as you do, all his parts, his ears, his nose, the shape of the head... all of it was quite magical to take in..

 I had many many stitches, but it was all worth it, I had become a mother of a darling little boy... who today has turned 46 years old, lives the other side of the world, and when the latest baby arrives in April, will be the proud father of three sons..

The day that changed my life was full of pain and hurt, but the reward was meeting that darling boy and falling in love completely and totally with him forever.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013


I hate arguments, especially ones that I know I cannot win.. although the sane side of me says about the subject....'so what!'

My husband likes to delegate a lot of the boring easy things to do, so it means I do his banking, collect the books from the library when they need changing.. This means that I bring back books that will somehow suit both of us to read. Each library card entitles the reading of up to 15 books! Normally I manage to get out and stagger home with a basket full of books which add up to about 9 in total. This generally means that I have chosen a few that might suit him, but certainly I think I can have a go at reading them all. I am a fast reader and often have several books going at the same time. We have a home full of books on all sorts of different subjects... because another one of my many weaknesses, is getting books from Charity shops.. Ah well, that's another story,..

The reason that I am seated at my PC, is that I am quietly and not so quietly stewing in annoyance... annoyed that such a things would impress on itself.. but anyway.. here's the thing. 
I got this book which is written about an Anglo Saxon girl, during the times of the Norman Conquest when William came over from Normandy and took control over England.   The book looked interesting, and I thought he might even enjoy a book of the times he is so interested in.. For a whole afternoon all the books have been on the kitchen table, and this evening he picked this book up, only after reading the back details, threw it back onto the table and hissed..... 'I can't read this, they have got it all wrong... before, during and after the Norman conquest, the people were the English, not Anglo-Saxons!!!!!

His main interest is this period as I said, but this vehement explosion about Anglo Saxon versus English took me quite by surprise... I felt annoyed that I had taken the time to find a book set in the period he knows so much about, only to have it thrown aside in annoyance at its inaccuracy..
 Even listening to the Radio, he will turn it off when historical facts are not just as he knows they should be. [Admittedly  radio does down talk facts in order to make it easier for the listener, but he really just explodes - to my mind quite unnecessarily...] however I felt slighted at his reaction to the book I had chosen and came upstairs to my computer to calm down and vent here, dear people, on my machine.

He is generally the most mild mannered and unassuming person, and has lots of qualities that I do admire... but get the facts wrong historically and he is a different person! 

I do not like engaging in arguments, I think it solves nothing, if you both hold a different view..  I love history, and for me Anglo Saxon was a period that I understood to be before and during Norman times, but its obviously wrong  factually.  

History is not the only subject that we do raise our arguments about.. Religion is another, and Politics... so these subjects are rarely discussed here as we both know that we shall both disagree forever....

I was going to write a little Valentine verse today to give to him tomorrow, but the way I am feeling at the moment, its best not to put pen to paper  ha ha..

Sunday, 20 January 2013


I was suddenly aware of the fact that although I had kept up with others in Blogland, and left remarks, I had not actually written anything myself and we are almost three weeks into this New Year.  Because of John's Accountancy Firm, he and his staff are  usually so busy in January getting all the clients' accounts stowed away with the Inland Revenue's offices, that our New Year feels that it actually starts at the beginning of February.. It is a bit better now that John has semi retired, but there is still a lot to do.Added to this, he has been unwell since Christmas fighting a recurrent cold and cough and doesn't feel at his best either.

We haven't gone out at all today, the snow has settled and it is very cold, so we have sat by the fire and read books and drunk endless cups of tea to keep warm. I have also made bread and the dinner is in the oven so I thought I would grab these few moments to sit down and tune into Blogland.

My father was a school teacher and my mother worked in Shops selling high fashion clothes. She enjoyed her work and my father loved being a teacher. Our lives were pretty ordered and followed a routine.. At the weekends because mother also worked on a Saturday, we would travel to where she worked and meet her after she finished and go to the pictures after having a meal out. That was magical and so much to look forward to.  I remember when money got short and they made a decision not to do the Saturday picture routine, I thought I would really really miss it so much. surprisingly there was plenty of other things to do, and the routine was superceded by another activity after we met Mother from work.

My parents both worked very hard, and of course my dad would be working every evening in marking the school work of his students. Our house was warm and solid and safe and we never really felt we missed out in anything. I guess in the 50's and early 60's we were all in the same boat, trying to keep everything going and doing the best we could. Of course it was not until much later that we moved to a house with actual central heating in stored. Most of the houses had fireplaces for coal fires, but that didn't heat up much. I can still remember going to bed, running across the lino floor and leaping into bed where I would lie shivering and shaking until my body warmed the bed up then I could sleep!!

y parents like to entertain every so often. They would invite their friends over for a meal and then afterwards, my dad would get his violin out and my mother would sing, with him playing the music to accompany her. She had a beautiful soprano voice, which was very similar to that of Maria Callas, and she did so love to sing. We would all listen, then the other guests would perform some little ditty, then horror of horrors it was my turn and my brother's to do our turn.. When we were very small, the star piece was 'I tort I taw a pussycat'!! from some Walt Disney character and it seemed to make everyone laugh a lot as we were so small... then it became a solo piece. I did have  soprano voice too, and was chosen to be lead singer at my Xmas concert when I was 9[ at that age my mother sang in Drury Lane Theatre, which she kept reminding us-!!]-- anyway as I got older, in order to perform I would only do it standing in the hall way, face pressed against the wall in order not to see anyone.. odd behaviour I know, but singing for guests overwhelmed me at that stage.[up to early teens].

 Looking back, our lives were so simple then. We had radio for listening to.. games to play inside and outside the house. We also read a great deal, which was a wonderful escape to lands we travelled with the writers, and all the adventures we could pretend to be part of. I read avidly all my childhood and loved to seize any moments to bury my head in books.

Saturday mornings, Dad would take us to the library to choose the books for the week. Each time I went in, my stomach would feel like water with excitement as I was in a whirl trying to choose what to take home. That feeling has never left me and even today all these years later, that same feeling rears its head every time I go to the library!

This society we live in is becoming more mechanised in its interaction.. its all with machines.. if you walk along any street, the betting is, that at least every other person is tuned in via their headpieces to a phone chatting and carrying on conversations as they walk, or listening to music. Only the older generation seem to have time to look up and smile and say hallo as they pass. We are tuned into another world, almost 24 hours out of 24.

Because we only had a radio, and didn't get a TV until I was into my late teens, we seem to have had time to interact with others so much more. People did talk to each other and tried to do their best in getting on in life.

We  were expected to go to school to learn, take exams, then decide on a career, or if you were really really clever, you went to University. Of course we were also fortunate that at that time, England was building herself up again after the war, and so jobs were easily had and changed and moving on to another job was easy. This is not the case for our young ones coming up to working age. It is hard, but their lives are going to be harder in the long run than ours were, despite all the gadgets and computer interaction going on. The computer has taken the need out for using people to achieve the same results. With Computers they can work on a skeleton staff and achieve good results at less cost. What future do our young ones have to look forward to? Depressingly I think its all going to blow up in our faces.

Having the choice of having children, means that many couples do not choose to..   However,in the cycle of things children is where it all happens.. if you don't have enough children produced in every generation, there will not be enough fee earners to to generate the money a government needs to manage all their care programmes and benefits. We need to take stock before its too late, and decide what the next generation will do, how they will do it, and what the results will be... Traditionally, it seems to me, that each generation says to itself , 'well it doesn't effect me, so leave it to the next ones who will have to deal with it' That is not really a good answer. We have to care about the world, the children we are bringing up and how to manage a balance society.

When you are young, the future seems so far away, and yet it all catches up with you very fast. We need to sit down and think about what we are leaving for our future kids to deal with..... Yes, there is Global Warming- but on the ground right at this time, Wars are being fought all over... Do they mean anything to us...yes, they do, because we get involved in sending troops out to help... create charities to try and feed starving people...

I think we have to stop trying to solve World problems and take a good look at us and our people in this country... we need to stop looking at the far horizons, get focused on what needs doing in this country first..

We have to examine why our kids are leaving school not reading or writing, and then not able to get jobs. We have a whole raft of infrastructure that needs repairing... the wonderful things that the Georgians and Victorians did, all need repairing and restructuring.. Why aren't our jobless people doing this and in doing it, earning a proper wage.?. We have schools that need repairing, hospitals that need so too.. all kinds of buildings that could be put to better use than lying idle and falling into dangerous disuse-- in this present day, we should have NO homeless people at all.. get all the empty houses and get them ready to live in- put the homeless to work in order to have a roof over their head....Make sure the benefits are for food, not misbought on booze... get the drunkards and the druggies something to make them feel good about themselves and they will never need to get stewed again ...they only use these drugs as an escape from a lousy useless life.. in being involved they will gain their self respect back.. it all could change, but it needs a really stong leadership who will not be swayed and who will get back to the nitty gritty of dealing with life.

Change is never an easy thing... but this world has to change, get its priorities right... stop sending money where it is used in war and fights about leadership in countries. far from these shores.... let them all take back control, make them all accountable for their anger and with no extra money to prop up the regimes, we might see some ground rules established and bring back to order.

This might mean that the strongest will take over and the West might not like the choices that they make. but if we are not supporting either side, World trade does continue..

why do we have to send money to prop them up?... make them responsible for their own actions.. if they choose war, then they will run out of money and will have to stop.... of course it means the populations will have to find a way to survive, but before England became a World power, all these places managed to get along....They call destruction of the population  the cost of war... we have to leave these countries to find their own balance, We cannot do it for them!!!

If then, England and America and all the other Westernised Powers agreed to withdraw and focus on the needs of their own people, I truly believe that making the decisions to be more home focused, we shall create a country, where our own balance is restored, where there will be jobs as we shall be rebuilding where we need to, strengthen our infrastructure and develop our housing and all other works.... we shall become with Balance, a nation totally wholly in agreement and our kids will have a future to look forward to.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Well, I went and missed it!! my first anniversary of blogging was on 30th December.. another senior moment!!

Another senior moment meant that I missed the first anniversary of my blogging... for some reason I had thought it started in January last year, but close, not the date.... so, here is another post actually all about nothing....

Our Christmas was rather splendid but I got paid in spades for having so much enjoyment! On the 30th we attended a party at the house next door, which we rent out. Our tenants have proved very nice and good, and not much trouble.. It was an easy party and everyone very friendly.

However they did comment that their Christmas had been rather ruined by having a virus that was going around... everyone said, how good it was that they were we carried on.. However this virus is quite contagious, and of course of all people, I went and managed to use up yesterday being sick and running to the toilet all day, staying in bed as I felt so weak!!

 It was not a pleasant way to spend a day, but with the sunshine this morning I got up and have managed to stay on my feet without much trouble, although I have not eaten at all, just cups of tea and water..  Its quite amazing how the sunshine can make you feel so much stronger and more positive, it certainly encouraged me out of bed, that's for sure.

Of course having a virus that is catching, I had to cancel the luncheon party we were going to today, which is sad as we all have such fun when we meet up.. but they would not have thanked me for bringing it into their midst. 
[which brings me to another thought..]
Every year for many many years, this country England, and no doubt other countries too, endured the plague each summer, when the heat encouraged the spread of the illness which led to death in so many cases.

There is a little village in Derbyshire not far from here, which made the amazingly difficult decision to not leave the village once the plague had descended on it. I believe it was the Vicar that persuaded his villagers to be strong and not give in to their wish to run away from it. What courage that must have taken for them to stay put! The next villages would leave food out for them on the other side of the bank of the river, so they did not starve.. 

A large number of that congregation died due to the pestilence, even I have read, the Vicar's wife and several members of his family. But the plague did not travel further, and stopped at that little village deep in the heart of the Derbyshire countryside. I cannot imagine how brave they were in keeping to themselves and waiting for it all to pass. I know that the first idea would be to flee, but in staying put, their bravery allowed other lives to be lived. An enormous cost they paid, but they did it and will be remembered for all time for their sacrifice.

The viruses that we come across these days are small in comparison, but no less lethal for some. I'm just glad that mine was for 24 hours, and I am hail and hearty again to welcome the start of another new year... 2013, I wonder what joys you will bring us.. I hope that we shall have more joy than tears, that's for sure!