birthday number 3

Today is another special day for me..[ I am so lucky that I seem to have quite a few of these days, ]but this one is extra special because its the anniversary of the first day I met my daughter Gabriella.. Despite it being November, the sun shone that day too.. I had had a couple of false alarms before, and my poor husband had to rush around trying to find a telephone box to call the hospital for an ambulance to take me in.. I was due on the 9th of November, but on the 7th had had to attend a wedding .. I had thought that it would have started me off as we had to travel quite a distance to get there.... but no. there I was in all my finery and a huge bump in front... On the evening of the 20th November I had re folded all the baby clothes, moved a huge wardrobe and laid a carpet [with the help of my husband of course..]. but in the early hours I knew I was in labour... of course having had a false alarm twice, my beloved lying in bed did not wish to get up and go out in the cold and dark to find a phone to call the ambulance..!!!!!! but he did, and when they arrived around 6 am I was really in the throes of it all... Husband had to stay behind as the two other little ones were asleep.. I found myself in the hospital very quickly and the pains very close to gether.. My pet way to cope,[ this beiing my third child I was getting cleverer, and had found that counting out loud helped manage the pain].. crying out for an epidural but refused as they did not have any, and the next hospital was too far away and I was already nearly pushing, so had to shut up and continue counting.!!!.. At 9.25 that morning, 21st November- my second daughter came into the world, as bright and bonny as she ever was! Realising that at last that push had got baby out.. I waited to hear what I had had... [bearing in mind that I had carried exactly the same way I had with Daniel my first, Rebecca who came second carried completely differently..] . I had assumed it was also going to be a boy and knitted everything blue!!! When the doctor called out 'you have a lovely baby daughter' I cried out, 'but I can't have, I've knitted everything blue... he replied..'well I cannot put her back, so you will have to tie pink ribbons around the knitted garments to try and alter the look!!!! Because I was so sure it was going to be another boy, I had not decided properly on a girl's name... then my mother disagreed with my choice of Lorna Elizabeth...so for 4 days she was nameless.. then being close to christmas, I thought of Angel Gabriel, and decided to call her Gabriella Maria... all italian like... but pretty all the same!!... [ of course as she was growing up into teen years she hated the name and wanted an ordinary one instead.!!] .. I've never regretted having any of my children, and when the health visitor asked me when I was home, whether I had finished having children - I replied.. no, realising how much I enjoyed meeting the new babies, even though the pain was undescribable at the time... they were all worth it!!!

parenting

When you are given a tiny baby that has just arrived out of the womb, the enormity of the journed you have just started, might hit you hard..For myself, I was just so overjoyed at a safe arrival of a baby son that looked perfect in every way.. For some people it is that first meeting where you realise that this little one is totally reliant on yourself. The early days of motherhood are a fast learning curve... when I had my son, the stay in hospital was at least a week, sometimes two** I know that at the fourth day I would have gone home leaving my son to stay for the alloted term.. because I was missing my husband such a lot, and as he was a student at university..there were lots of girls to distract him whilst I was away... So, we began our journey, which ended 23 years later and four other little ones joining my first baby. Having children is an open book situation... no rules, ideas how to, other than that handed to you by your mother, who seems to have ideas that do not match any recent child book publications... Somehow you get through and the kids grow up, and then there is the awful time called Teenage years. At the moment, my daughter is experiencing heart ache and anxiety as her almost 16 year old is in constant conflict with his dad and any other authority like school!! They recently moved in the countryside with a bit of land, and meant that my daughter's journey to work each day is 2 hours there and another 2 hours back.. The boy had to change schools and in the way amongst kids, the quickest way to be accepted is to become part of those that are rebelling... So now his nocturnal times when he should be asleep is spent texting his friends and being glued to his phone.. Tuesday night, his father found him outside in the garage smoking [pot] and drinking... of course there was a conflict situation, and things got said, and finally his dad said..'well those are the house rules and if you don't like them, you know what to do'- this, bear in mind is at 3am in the morning, and my girl has to go to work at 6am to catch train.. You can guess what the outcome was... no show of the boy after school.. missed his appointment with the head of school because of disruptive behaviour at school, and vanished! His father drove all over the place trying to see if he was walking around.. but nothing except one of his friends said she thought he might be staying over with another friend and that information had to do, as she said she didnt know which friend it could be.. I live so many many miles away from them, that I feel so useless being no help to my girl.. The family structure has always been a bit volatile, as Dad is fairly strict and mum tries to reason with the kids..[ when one gets married, the last thing you discuss is parenting issues... and how you deal with them.. so these two have totally different outlooks and that causes confusion that grows and grows.. ] They will have to attend family session counselling, but in the meantime, all this sorrow and heartache continues when you cannot reach your child emotionally or physically.. At almost 16 he's bound to feel he knows better than his parents in real life issues.. None of my kids touched drugs at his age, and boozing was tried out and abandoned, but much later than mid teens... university was the nightmare then, so many other things to disrupt their studies, but we all came through fairly unscathed I think.. ]] The family is very comfortably well off as the household income is high and now they have moved, Dad is there working from home, so they always have one parent around..I am sure that my grandson feels very hard done by, and that his parents do not understand where he is coming from , but smoking pot is never going to get things right, and the next few months are going to be hard for them all.. I do hope he returns soon, but who can tell... being a parent is such a hard job, but the rewards are wonderful ... however the down side is always there too, and in this situation, where he feels outside the family group, is not an easy one to correct..

why do I cry so much?

Why do I sit and feel so emotional all of the time.. during the summer I had my boy Dan stay with me for a few days with his younger son Griffin 3 years old, and his older boy Jordan who stays with his mum in Boston. Dan's second marriage was to an australian, so they all live in Perth after he re-married almost five years ago. Having the three of them staying with me was absolute heaven and that three year old was soo good, I was also amazed to see how well his elder brother cared and loved him too.. Having children with other partners must be hard on the older ones, but in this case all seems to be going ok. When they left to return to Australia I was there to wave them goodbye at 8am in the morning and they took my heart with them.. Today I have attended a funeral of a dear friend who we've known for over 20 years, a kind caring and so clever man.. Early days after his retirement his doctor didn't take the signs of his illness seriously enough until the cancer had developed everywhere in his body and today we laid him to rest. It was a perfect service and well attended and she did her husband proud.. but sadness pervaded everywhere as his life had touched so many people and we were better for knowing him Last month I had a complete breakdown. I am suffering with paralysis of the nether regions and find it very very difficult to manually manage myself. I just could not stop crying for my self selfishly too, because of a life that might have turned out differently if I had taken another road, for the fact that everyone is condemned to die at some point and there is nothing to stop that process. and just for the helplessness that I felt in dealing with every day** It took me over three days to start feeling my mood lifting and gradulally coming back to coping with everything again.. for the whole weekend, my poor husband didnt know what to do to help, he kept coming in the room saying we were in this together and try and feel better... as I said I was like this for at least three or four days, and then gradually felt better.. However at emotional times like funerals, I just lose it all and cry for the whole world it seems, whilst all the other people are listening to the words of the speakers and not wiping tears away like me. I am on a knife edge all the time I realise this, and wonder how to get out of this emotional anxiety that I feel every moment.. it is very difficult to know what to do.. This is why I have not been blogging for some time, so be patient dear friends, I will be back, just not yet.. but soon...

my eldest daughter's birthday

I was planning to write about my daughters birthday in the lead up to the day, but could not write on this page for some reason..

anyway, her birthday was on Friday and she was very happily celebrating it with friends and siblings, so she had a happy day..

When I was expecting her, I had terrible kidney failure, and was rushed off to hospital in a serious condition.

My young husband had started his job that morning and I felt very unwell. I then filled a washing up bowl with blood and had to call the doctor. He cam immediately and said I had to go to hospital. I did not want him to alert my husband at his new job, I was so worried about his reaction if he had to leave to attend to me.
The doctor rang around to see who could look after my eldest child, Daniel who was 16 months old. A foster parent was found over a hundred miles away, but thankfully the lady next door came to my rescue. She had a disabled son so was at home all day..

 Thank goodness Daniel could be looked after daily whilst I was in hospital. I was 7 months pregnant and for a while they discussed making me deliver, but after complete bed rest for several days where I was so weak and fading in and out of consciousness I was finally allowed to go home..

When I was rushed off to hospital, my poor husband had come home and read the note, so turned up to see me, and learned of the arrangement with next door. Thank goodness for that dear neighbour, whom I had not met before, but she cared for my Daniel all the time I was in hospital. Eventually I came home, so weak I could not even lift my little boy and that neighbour continued to look after him. Each day before work, he would carry h is bag with his nappies in and go next door... not a squeak or tantrum from him, he was such an angel.

 Rebecca decided to wait 2 more weeks from the end of the pregnancy and so I had to into the hospital to be induced.
It was a strange experience having the bag of waters broke.. when they did it, they held up a dark hair and said baby had lots of hair..
A mere 4 hours later I was meeting her for the very first time. It was such a rapid push out that her eyes remained closed for almost a week and he little fists were clenched too..

 After all the travails, I was so happy to have a daughter this time..

We named her Rebecca Louise.. and from that day to this she has always been such a wonderful person. She now has three children of her own, almost grown up, and we share a lot of special moments together.

On the 12th of July I remember how much I love her and what a thrill it was to meet her for the very first time.


Another amazing co incidence is that my brother's daughter Capucine, was born on the same day but 12 years later, so we ring each other up to congratulate each other on the births of our daughters**

I cannot write any longer , as its blocking me-going to join google I th ink

yet another birthday to celebrate!! I cannot get to write for some reason, will be back later....

anxiety and baby blues

How to deal with anxiety is not easy or dealt with in one fell swoop.. It was after I had my fifth child that I was so overcome with the hardness of my life, of my young husband being so much under pressure that he drank too much, that we never had enough money to go round.. It hit me about three weeks after my last child was born. Everything felt too much. I would walk into the shops, knowing what I had to buy, but the counters in their shiningness seemed to hover above the ground, and the noise from all the people were just so much that I would dissolve into tears and rush away home again.
 I tried to keep it from my husband, and would appear strong as I saw him off to work, then it would somehow all overwhelm me and I would be reduced to a puddle again. As soon as the time got near for his homecoming, I would wipe my eyes and concentrate on getting the meal ready for us all. Of course I did go to the doctors and was given tablets that made me sleep heavily. so after one usage, I put them away, and I never ever found them again.. my subconscious had hidden them away.. We lived in that house for another two years, but they were lost for good..
 So I had to cope without them.
Each day was a blur of tiredness and sadness, I could not shake this feeling of gloom that I felt surrounded me,  It was only my friend Carol that told Sean that I was in a very bad place emotionally and was crying all day when he was at work. Of course , there was nothing he could do but wait with me until the feeling lifted and I could face the day without fear. Having five children and the last two being 18 months apart, of course it was quite a lot to handle and cope with---.
 I did do it, and no one of the children has ever mentioned how they thought, when I was going through those rough moments.

I am talking about this, because it is a real event that happens to many people and it dogs their whole life. I am so fortunate that the black dog visits me rarely now. I think at the time with all my hormones flashing all over the place, it could have contributed to the terrible feelings I had.

 There was another time before I got married, when my brother and my parents and myself had returned from France to live in England, and we had no home to come back to.
I had got a job quickly enough and so had my brother, and my parents, but for a while we lived in rented places, once having to share a house with two other men. I remember looking at the people on the Tube when I was travelling back and forth to work.. thinking that they all had homes to go to and how awful it was to be actually homeless, although we did have rooms to rent..
Rooms which incidentally were so cold in the winter that we had to keep all our clothes on under the bedclothes! It wasn't a long time like this, but I do remember feeling despair..

Despite my medical condition which has resulted from two awful operations on my spine, I have not plummeted to the depths that I felt then for which I am so grateful... Yes I get fed up, but tomorrow is always another day..

This evening I have just put the phone down after talking to a very dear friend who is finally home after many months in hospital having a nervous break down. This person has tried to be so strong for so long despite the way that life had treated her.
She was married for over 25 years when her husband decided to start a campaign of hate against her, and made her two sons follow his nastiness. For five years they lived in the same house, not speaking to her.. totally ignoring her, and then when he found another partner, he moved out and their sons went with him.

They were in their early teens, so its hard to say why, but it left her all alone and destroyed. Luckily she did have  faith which helped her survive those awful days, but finally it all catches up with you, and she is now recovering from a second nervous breakdown.. speaking to her on the phone, she is slow to answer, all her vitality knocked out of her, and I know that the drugs must be useful, but it is so pitiful to hear her speak.

I cannot imagine why life has dealt her this blow, but all she can do is take each day like us all, one day at a time

The strangest thing is that trying to take one day at a time, is much harder than you think.... its easily said.. but your brain is programmed over the years, to anticipate actions that might happen and for which you have to have a knowledge of how to deal with it, that each day you have various tasks to perform, but if you do try and take it one at a time, then some days you might do nothing but look at the sky, despite all the other duties you might have to do..Baby blues do go, even if it does take a while and life looks so hard.. but like the man once said...
 who? I don't know...- something like -----

in ten years time, or even one, today will have passed and all the trouble in it, will have gone too,
 and no one but you might care..