Tearful

I didn't start the day feeling tearful, but I am now. You see I had to write a sort of time line about the operation/s and so forth for the solicitor who is seeking to find out whether it is worthwhile chasing the hospital and the specialists, who have left me in this condition Cauda Equina. I originally had the operation because I was really plagued by pain of sciatica down my right leg. ~After the operation, I still had discomfort in the leg, but this time was caused by paralysis and numbness, weakness and pins and needles., plus added to that dysfunction in bowel and bladder and other major parts down below.

Its not having any choices any more, I have to manage my self all day and each day.. and together with the natural effects of getting older, stiffer and more rheumatic, life just ain't a bundle of joy and that's the truth... However I still carry on and try and smile all the time and take each day by itself, but writing that letter made all the pains come back and the deep feeling of loss of control over my life.

Its not been the easiest of lives either, but I had got it almost on to an even keel and then this has happened and its turned to shite! Most days I am able to shrug it off and get on with things... but today writing that letter has left me with tears that will not go away and I feel really wretched.. Of course its not helped by the weather outside being grey, cold and damp and raining, but that's to be expected at the end of the October month..

 wow, if only if only... I think I would have preferred to delay that op at least until I had explored more of the options... I did try the epidural injection which made the pain go away so completely that I almost cancelled the op I was feeling so good... But then it came back after three weeks, so I went ahead with the op..

 I had another friend who also had the op, but hers turned out so well, she has enjoyed a much better life afterwards!  I was very very scared of having it done, as a cousin had had the op going wrong for her and she was left like me with Cauda Equina Syndrome... I thought that lightening would be unlikely to strike twice in one family... how wrong I was...

But yet, when I read all the blogs about people who have such suffering in their lives, and their struggles to get better, it feels so mean to allow myself to get into this sad weepy way.... I think if I go and lie on my bed and calm myself listening to the radio, I shall get enough strength to try and feel more optimistic again.. so I'll be off now, sorry to load on you world, but I am feeling so shitty right now and I want to scream in anger at the damage that I got &&....................