Anxiety

Its been some time since I last wrote and I am sitting here trying to express the reasons why I feel so anxious. My youngest child John arrived out of the blue late afternoon today. He is enjoying a long holiday weekend and is planning to drive all over to see old friends, meet up with his father and together they will visit his sister in Oxford. I feel a low hum of anxiety because of really silly things that just fill me with unease. My kids are all loving and caring and I get along with them really well but they do like to have a drink to relax. As I have no wish to drink much at all these days, it means that sometimes they carry on talking and laughing late into the night. My husband has no idea that I feel anxious at all and is happy to join in or go to bed as it gets later.

 I have been sitting here trying to analyse why this feeling is present at all.
My first husband drank a lot each evening and used it as a self- medicant to help him with his own worries and fears. However it inevitably led to long hours of talk that turned into a one way track which got him more and more exasperated that I could not obviously understand what he was explaining to me.. Believe me these sessions often lasted well into the night.

Now my children are all adults and behave in adult ways and are unaware how any drinking in evenings leave me screwed up inside. The last time my son stayed over, he got hungry in the night and went to cook himself something to eat, and of course let the dog out who came rushing up to my bedroom and woke me up and it was 2am in the morning.. I know its silly to think that such an episode would cause me concern, but I think it is making me feel different and uneasy.. Of course it is probably unlikely to happen at all, and even if it did, what harm... but the kids now being adult are not under my command where I could see them all safe away in bed until the morning, and they do expect to relax well in family company..   I think its just a hangover from all the nights I had with their father.. I just wish I could dispel the feelings..

Its not even that my kids over- do the drinking either...

 and it doesn't apply just to them...

 When my daughter celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary- we held  the celebrations at our house, and since it was summer, many family members came, and I have never seen so much booze bought in !!!!...

And I hovered moving around with such a dreadful feelings, it was hard to enjoy the time..
 Of course everyone behaved well, had a great drinking time and every thing was marvellous, but I just could not relax knowing how much booze was being drunk... It must be programmed into me now, but I do wish I could get rid of the unease..

At this moment he is visiting an old friend and expects to return here later this evening to stay overnight and then tomorrow will meet up with his dad to start the next part of his long weekend. He didn't ask for the door key, so I am again fretting , worrying what time he will  come and return.. which means I have to wait up as John will take himself off to bed when he gets tired, and I will have to be around to open the front door.....

 #what a worry wart I am turning into!!

... but I think that I am right in thinking all these emotions are a throw back from dealing with my first husband for so many years.. 

Ah well, in another 50 years it won't matter and no one will know or care to know how anxious I feel this evening..So I am stopping here as it is just not productive to keep on tapping on these keys!!