Friday, 19 October 2012


Its been some time since I last wrote and I am sitting here trying to express the reasons why I feel so anxious. My youngest child John arrived out of the blue late afternoon today. He is enjoying a long holiday weekend and is planning to drive all over to see old friends, meet up with his father and together they will visit his sister in Oxford. I feel a low hum of anxiety because of really silly things that just fill me with unease. My kids are all loving and caring and I get along with them really well but they do like to have a drink to relax. As I have no wish to drink much at all these days, it means that sometimes they carry on talking and laughing late into the night. My husband has no idea that I feel anxious at all and is happy to join in or go to bed as it gets later.

 I have been sitting here trying to analyse why this feeling is present at all.
My first husband drank a lot each evening and used it as a self- medicant to help him with his own worries and fears. However it inevitably led to long hours of talk that turned into a one way track which got him more and more exasperated that I could not obviously understand what he was explaining to me.. Believe me these sessions often lasted well into the night.

Now my children are all adults and behave in adult ways and are unaware how any drinking in evenings leave me screwed up inside. The last time my son stayed over, he got hungry in the night and went to cook himself something to eat, and of course let the dog out who came rushing up to my bedroom and woke me up and it was 2am in the morning.. I know its silly to think that such an episode would cause me concern, but I think it is making me feel different and uneasy.. Of course it is probably unlikely to happen at all, and even if it did, what harm... but the kids now being adult are not under my command where I could see them all safe away in bed until the morning, and they do expect to relax well in family company..   I think its just a hangover from all the nights I had with their father.. I just wish I could dispel the feelings..

Its not even that my kids over- do the drinking either...

 and it doesn't apply just to them...

 When my daughter celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary- we held  the celebrations at our house, and since it was summer, many family members came, and I have never seen so much booze bought in !!!!...

And I hovered moving around with such a dreadful feelings, it was hard to enjoy the time..
 Of course everyone behaved well, had a great drinking time and every thing was marvellous, but I just could not relax knowing how much booze was being drunk... It must be programmed into me now, but I do wish I could get rid of the unease..

At this moment he is visiting an old friend and expects to return here later this evening to stay overnight and then tomorrow will meet up with his dad to start the next part of his long weekend. He didn't ask for the door key, so I am again fretting , worrying what time he will  come and return.. which means I have to wait up as John will take himself off to bed when he gets tired, and I will have to be around to open the front door.....

 #what a worry wart I am turning into!!

... but I think that I am right in thinking all these emotions are a throw back from dealing with my first husband for so many years.. 

Ah well, in another 50 years it won't matter and no one will know or care to know how anxious I feel this evening..So I am stopping here as it is just not productive to keep on tapping on these keys!!


  1. Hello New Friend!

    First let me thank you for the sweet comment and anniversary wishes!

    I do think that you are right - your feeling have a lot to do with your ex-husbands drinking and the emotions that surrounded it. Perhaps you feel that they may turn into their father someday? That it could cause problems in their own lives? Do they know how his drinking effected you and your relationship.

    Perhaps you can call him and ask him what time he'll be home because you didn't give him a key and you will probably retire early. Maybe you can hid a key outside for him and let him know where it is?

    I'm no therapist - just wishing you some peace tonight.

    It's hard when our children grow up isn't it?


  2. But I'm glad you did, tap on those keys. You're not alone with those feelings.
    We all go through things like that and being proactive and sharing our feelings with the parties involved - before - these things happen is the key, I think. Not easy, but no one said it was going to be. I'll bet if you shared your anxiety with parties involved they would have a much more compassionate response than you imagine and may even learn something about themselves. They're not going to stop loving you for speaking up, that's for sure and you will feel better for getting that out of the your head and heart. - Not quite fair that you should suffer with it, even for your kids. Also teaches them how to deal with their own anxieties. Don't mean to preach, but I've got a bit of experience with this
    Hope you are feeling better today xx

  3. Poor you! I think there are some things in life that follow us and I think your fear of drink is one of them. My ex drank beer and I now cannot stand the smell of it. My second husband will have a glass of G&T on occasion and I have no problems with that but sometimes he will have a beer and I feel sick to be near him~ a throwback memory of my ex too. Can you talk to them about it? I told my husband how it makes me feel and he was really understanding.I guess you never stop worrying about your kids coming home. I bet you'd still be waiting up even if he took a key. hugs xxxxSally xx

    1. how touching to see what youve written, thank you for your words..they do help.. he is home now, had a great night out and I hope is planning to stay in the bedroom and go to sleep soon...!!

  4. I hope that your anxiety is soothed some today. I agree with the other ladies who commented that talking to your children and explaining what their drinking is doing to you inside may help. It's really hard sometimes to say what's in our hearts for fear of rejection. But more often than not works out with least in my experience.

  5. You really DO need to have some sort of chat with your family and tell them how this stirs memories and emotions within you. I'm sure that if nothing else it would help you to put these ghosts to rest. They are your children, I'm sure they would understand.