A month later

Well its almost a month since I last wrote my thoughts down.. and maybe they have been a little dark recently.. I was puzzling over why this should be. I get up and do all the usual things and take Millie for a walk,but all the time I am feeling distressed at my core. I realise that as one gets older, you have to accept that things end. I am in the process of winding up my recruiting business that I have run for over 30 years. I have loved the whole process of recruiting,.both meeting the clients and interviewing the candidates and finding the best match.  Even though  for the last 14 years I have  worked from home, I was always at my desk by 9 am ready to talk to my contacts and work the business.  However since my last set of operations, I have found it difficult to manage to get up to town to see my clients and also for interviewing. So I have come to the conclusion that I have to close my business by the end of this year, which gives me about another 6 weeks or so.  Having run this business for so long, and enjoying the whole process so much, it has made me feel very low in spirit and I know that this has caused me to write many things that I have never discussed or spoken about before..

When I meet up with old friends, and we are all checking out to see who has aged the best, I hate to feel less than good about my appearance. Once a long time ago, you could disguise the little bits of age, like the odd grey hair, the wrinkle at the corner of the eyes, the cheekbones that needed highlighting now that you were getting older.. But, now, nothing works... no cosmetic in the world is going to lift those cheekbones to their previous lovely height.The eyes have sunk further back and no colouring of the eyelid surface will bring them back. The lines from the side of the mouth seem to have deepened, and are there for everyone to see, so now, when I look in the mirror I see a mixture of my mother and grandmother looking back at me!

I used to be a size 10, with  long dark brown hair, slim shape and never worried about makeup or eye liners. I didn't need to wear much makeup at all, and have never worn lipstick either.Now I am grateful if anything works to help put back what was once there naturally!  When I see an older person, garishly plastered makeup on their face, I don't pity them as I might have done when younger, because I know it is their attempt at not becoming the invisible.  When you are young, you take it as a right, that people look at you, smile, open doors, give you jobs, all because you are fairly pretty.  When you become more mature, especially if you walk down the street with one of your adult children, its quite a blow to see that people are looking at them and you have become quite invisible to all and sundry!!

So, my dark moments spent out in words previously are a combination of dislike at being so old that I am no longer newly pensionable, and the constant feeling that I should be doing more with my life !! The days slip by so fast and we are at the end of another week which has not turned out to be particularly affective.

 One of my friends told me that this feeling would go if I found a hobby to get involved in.. She's right of course, but I never really had a hobby outside work and the home that occupied my time. I was too busy being a mother, going to work and that took up all my time.  I read the other blogs and they are mostly by younger women who have so much to offer and share,.or older beings who are very busy with their little businesses. 

I simply have to stop and really get to the core of what I want to do with the next 20 odd years I have left.. And if they go as fast as this one has, I shall still be there, sitting down, wondering what to do!!!!