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Thursday 23 April 2015

The day my Father died.

I had had a run of the very worst luck the year between 02 and 03. In the twelve months up to my Father dying, I had lost 11 close friends and cousins as well as my own mother. In the thirteenth month, my Father went to join my mother. I was knocked out by all the funerals I had attended, and now my Dad dying seemed to finish the circle. Immediately after my mother dying, my brother took my father to stay with him at his home in Brussels, and then at the holiday home in the South of France. He cared for him for quite a few weeks, not wanting to leave him alone in the flat in Crawley Sussex, where he had lived for the last thirty years. My mother and he, had had a long marriage and it was mainly happy, very artistically motivated by their joint interest in music and helping others. She did hospital visiting right up until she died, and he would take communion to those who could not attend Mass because of their infirmity. Both of them found great solace in belonging to the Catholic church and their faith was unbelievable strong. The last weeks of my father's life were filled with workmen, bought in by my brother to overhaul the flat and bring up to date.. So, when I invited him to stay with us in our big house, over the Easter, he was very pleased to accept. However, he was hospitalised for a few days before I was going to collect him from his home as he was running a low fever and was out of sorts. I finally got the go ahead to pick him up on Good Friday, so drove to the hospital and collected him. He was very weak and in the year of losing my mother, he had become very frail and had no apetite, so had lost a lot of weight. The first evening home we sat around and chatted and I gave him some albums with loose photographs which I asked him to organise and place in the albums. He had a great evening, going over the pictures and remembering the holidays with my mother. The weather was lovely and warm and he seemed to be perking up. The next evening we had John's parents, who lived next door to us, eome over and we again chatted all eveing very happily. During that Saturday night he called me because he had severe pain and I asked whether to call the ambulance, but he refused, took another tablet and managed to get back to sleep. In the morning, being Easter Sunday, I took him to Mass where he renewed with the congregation, his baptismal vows and took Communion. It was lovely to be able to share in this, and I know he was happy inside himself. It was somehow completing a circle. Another lovely day just pottering around in and out of the garden. Then we had a power cut on electricity, so went next door to see if that had happened to them too. On our return, we heard my dad calling from the toilet, and rushed upstairs to find him in great distress because he could not move for pain in his body. John helped him downstairs and we waited for the ambulance. I went with him to the hospital where they decided that his anourism had burst, a thing that had been threatening for years, and that the only way was to give him more and more morphine for the pain. He knew he was dying, and I managed to get a Priest to come and sit with him and give him the last Rites of the Church. He was peaceful then and thanked me for being with him, and I was telling him that soon he would be with Mother, and it was all very sad indeed. I was also on the mobile to my brother in Belgium telling him moment by moment what was happening. At 2.15 the afternoon of 23rd April, he stopped breathing, and my father had left us. Even now, all these years later, I miss him so much and mother too.. but of course I was a daddy's girl and he had always been so special for me.. now I was an orphan like so many others. Being an orphan whatever your age is a very hard knock on your door of life. Having enjoyed their living so much longer than many of their peers, we had grown to know them as adults and as people we could relate to and to know them for themselves and not just as a parent. I think too, that having them with us for so long makes it so much harder when they do go, because they have always been around for the various stages in your growing up* So, today is another year that I have not seen him or heard his voice, and not felt my mother's love and affection, I was so lucky having them as parents, but I would give anything just to speak to them both again. The sun is shining and the weather is lovely,but I am sad inside, because this day will always be the day I lost my Dad.

10 comments:

  1. Janzi, I am so sad for your loss. I understand completely since I have lost both of my parents. My father died just 4 days after Father's Day in 1999 and my mother on Halloween in 2005. It's a strange feeling to realize you are an orphan. I am now the oldest person in my immediate family which is also strange.

    Like you, I knew my parents as an adult and got to know them as people and not just parents. We are the lucky ones. I know you will treasure every memory of your dad. Thank you for sharing your memories. You are a good daughter.

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  2. Ah - your memory touched me. I lost my father on this day in 1995. It was also my sister's birthday. My mother died 3 months later, and my eldest sister the following New Year's Day, 1996. Until I read your post I had forgotten it has been 20 years. My father was a good dad as well. Thank you for the reminder to remember.

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  3. thank you all for your kind comments, we were the lucky ones to have had a loving and healthy relationship and one that lasted to their final days.. of course more people than I miss their parents, but today I was full of thoughts of that awful year and the only comfort that I could feel, was that they would be together again.. and that, in accord with their religion, they had had the Last Rites which I know they both had wanted.. but to all of us orphans, a big hug to you and one for myself ...xx

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  4. What a lovely tribute to your parents you have written. I'm sure if they could tell you, they would say they miss you just as much. The picture of them is darling, they seem happy and full of love.

    My mother just died in September. She was at my house for the last three weeks of her life and I nursed her till the very end. You are so right about feeling an orphan. And it's a lovely feeling know that someone else understands.

    Thanks for writing this post, I know it must have been hard - but you did a great job.

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    1. thank you dear Liv, I was sorry to see that you have lost your own mother,.. keeping them as long as we have done, means we have known them as people rather than parents.. and that is quite outstanding to be able to feel that close to them in their later years. It is so recent that you lost her, and the grief will stay a long time, but I am sure that she understood how much you deeply cared for her and was eased by that knowledge as she faced her endings. I am glad that my post helped in a little way... thinking of you and hugs sent too.. J

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  5. My mom died in September 2011 and not a day goes by that I do not think of her and miss her. I am told that it gets easier but I think we just learn a new way to live. I know anniversaries are especially difficult so sending love to you today.

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    1. thank you so much birdie, the rawness for you is still there, time does numb it a bit, but because they were loved so much its harder to let go.. I thank you for your love

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  6. Dear Janzi, I'm moved by your post - I know just how you feel, losing our parents is very hard. My Dad died 20 years ago and I still miss him, his love and his quiet common sense. He was always there - and still is in a large chunk of my heart.
    I'm certain both of your parents are still watching over you. Sending a big {{HUG}}
    Rose H
    xx

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    1. thank you dear Rose, the loss is very raw forever isnt it.. but we did have the joy of knowing them and learning from them too.. thank you for the hugs, much appreciated..bless you all...

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