Yesterday I fell over**

What a massive shake to the ego I had yesterday.

I had a good fulfilled morning, been to see my charity shops, done some shopping, had my mammogram done, and visited the library, all in the morning. The sun was shining, but it had a cold bite to it, however I was feeling very pleased with myself as I started to cross the road to get to my car.

Then it happened, my wide legged trousers caught up with my shoe, and in seconds I was flat down on the floor, having broken my fall with my hands,but landing on my knee both of them have been replaced, so it was hard metal that jarred when I landed. I lay there, taking stock, and a man came fast running up to try and assist me, he leaned over and got my arm to pull me up, but I was too heavy for him, so he called out to another man to come over and give him a hand getting me up! I was mortified, I couldn't get up on my own and then to have to have two men to grab my elbows to raise me up was more than I could face. Of course I am overweight, that truly did not help, but having a metal hip, both knees metal too, meant I had not got the flexibility I might have had when younger.

 I don't fall over much at least I don't think so. the last time when I just had my right knee done and I tripped over a piece of pavement, someone else had to assist me up too.  I miss the flexibility of youth, and having had all these ops, my body is now not so agile either.

I can remember going down like a ship in full sail when pregnant with one of the kids, but then I managed to raise myself although I was surrounded by well wishers who worried about my baby for me.  That time I just laughed it all off, but yesterday I was really shaking and although they asked if I was OK, of course I just wanted to escape and sit in my car, which I did for a while before driving home. Luckily no skin was broken, but I have been left with the wrist on my left hand aching since.. nothing broken either, just my pride.

 I find it so hard to lose weight and its not for trying either I can tell you**  I made a promise to myself to stop giving in to that little voice that says one bite wont hurt, because of course it does.. will power is not my forte, and discipline is out of the window.. its not as if I eat enormous meals either, but I have slowed down a lot since the spinal ops and that plays a part in the heaviness I am carrying. I need to lose at least 4 stones, which is a lot, but not impossible and I really must try.

 I did go to a psychiatrist to find out why I found it so difficult to lose weight.  As we sat talking it all came out.
 I was 19 and never been with anyone and then my friend's brother came to call on me during the night when I was staying over at the house. His sister was lying in the bed next to me and did not get up from sleep although I did ask her to help me.. She was deaf, but I don't really think she was that deaf!! Later I rationalised it as I quite liked the boy and so went on visiting my friend and being around him..


The mind is a strange country and makes its own decisions, but I think now that I should have confronted him in front of his family in order that he realised what he had done was wrong, and all these years later I regret that I didn't... however I cannot blame him for everything..

 I do internalise my emotions, maybe I should let rip more and be more tactless at times.. don't know

I  just know I don't want to fall over again like I did yesterday and feel such a huge whale that two men had to help me up....