Sunday, 15 January 2012


what a gorgeous after noon it is now, the sun is shining so much, but the frost is still around on the ground.. I am dressed now and will be going to make some scones for this afternoon tea... I have just put the phone down on a darling friend that I have known for over 40 years, how young we all were once... she lost her husband 3 months ago and is having panic attacks and dreadful days of depression and gets so angry with herself for not being able to cope and get stronger inside instead of allowing herself to get deeper into the mire... However I keep reminding her that her grief is every bit as valid as anything and trying to shake herself out of it won't work as her body has to go through this process... She nursed him for 6 years and was at home with him all that time caring and sharing the days with him.. then when he did go, it was not expected and she had gone home to catch up on her sleep so she endlessly queries why she left him at the most important time... but how can one tell when is going to be the final moment.. he seemed to be asleep and not in distress so she left him for a couple of hours to take care of herself.. They had a true love story which probably makes it harder, and they battled a lot of things to be together, and now he is gone.. Life is so fleeting and is gone before you know it.. she had many years with him, but I bet it doesnt feel enough even so.. When I lost my parents in 02-03, my dad being the last of 13 people whom I knew well and intimately in the family who died that year from jan 02 to april 03 - I didnt realise what a toll it would take.. I put everything on the back burner to cope with these matters later... which I did.. and how!!!... 4 years later I was stricken with panic attacks that I thought would make me die... hospitalised twice, but it was all the backlog of these losses and stress caused that gave my body the inclination to say enough, and it was truly weird how I had no control over why or how or when I was going to get the next attack... I felt very mortal all of a sudden, realitiy kicked in and for the first time I could see myself not around anymore... Even when I was in my early twenties and they had told me that my kidney failure whilst pregnant could lead to another fatal failure in my forties, I had somehow known I wasn't going to have that happen with a family to rear... but in my 60's it was a whole different ball game! suddenly I wondered if I was going to be around in a couple of years time, did I even have a year left... all this because of panic attacks... Luckily the medication mild though it was, did help and I have avoided feelings like that for a long time, but my body and brain took control and I just had to wait until they felt they had got rid of all the built up stress... which is what I have been telling my friend to do... she will have to ride it out, and honestly three months after a life time together is not time enough for it to have worked through..
On a more positive note, I got a drawing from my grandson in australia who is nearly 2 and I am going to frame it and put up on the wall... his dad my eldest son I could keep happy in his high chair with a piece of paper and a pencil to draw from when he was 13 months old, so Griffin is following in his dad's steps... His dad -Daniel by the way, became an art Director at a highly sought after Ad Agency in Perth Australia where he moved almost 2 years ago with his australian wife after many years in the industry and running his own agency ... so maybe the little one will do  artistic too later on..!!.

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